Topic Tuesday // Helping a loved one who doesn't want help // Tues 26 June, 7pm AEDT

[Yabitha]

gee.. sounds bad news. Dont you have "house rules"?? You need to be straight to the point on bad behaviour in my experience. Tell them what the problem is and what they need to change and give them a grace period to comply. If they dont, ask them to move out!! Tell them complying with the "house rules" and minimum standards of decent conduct are not negotiable, offer to take them to their doctor or to a counsellor. !

[Lizard]

thought it was only my teenage son!!

[Former-Member]

So, I am really glad we have all shared here even though we can all feel like it is quite helpless. I know some of you have come with very specific and difficult situations and I hope by working together here and sharing ideas and help we can feel a bit better armed with ideas. So lets move on to some of these ideas. 

We can’t make our loved ones get help, so how can we build and create a path/space/relationship that will allow them to eventually reach out and make the decision to ask for help?

One way is becoming informed on what it is that your loved one is experiencing can really help us understand what they might be feeling and why they may display certain behaviours. This can help us continue to build the relationship, notice when it is best to talk to them and allow us to be ready for when they do let us to help – to then facilitate that help.

Have you researched and found information about what you think your loved one is dealing with? Have you found this to be helpful? In what ways? Does having the information help you feel better equipped for when they are ready to accept/get it?

[Lizard]

Omg .. thank god someone else is living the same life as me. I paid $60 to put my son in a taxi home and was treated like shit afterwards!!

[Corny]

I think what prevents a person wanting help depends on their condition and also on many factors. I think what is universal is for the carer....which is a sense of powerlessness and despair.

I don't think someone suffering from mental illness is wanting to be difficult or irritating, really, all they want to be is normal just like everyone else. In fact, lack of insight can be part of a condition such as schizophrenia. My Mum has schizophrenia and she has poor insight, but......not %100 of the time. She does have lucid moments and says things that make it obvious she knows about her medical condition. Also lack of insight can actually have a protective role to play in some individuals. The more insight a person with schizophrenia has, the higher the suicide rate. Why would you want insight into being an object of society's mockery and contempt......never to get better....with no hope of a cure and very socially isolated. Having said all this I don't believe that lack of insight only applies to schizophrenia, I think that there is so much cross over with mental health, and it's only how we have been socialised that prevents us from acknowledging that. Maybe the mechanism is the same for everyone that lacks insight, just expressed differently.

Other reasons I can think of are:

- Family dynamics

- Shame

- Addiction

- Unprofessional and condescending medical team, or a horrible experience trying to access help that turns them off forever

- Fear of uncovering childhood abuse, trauma and maltreatment

- Feeling like you will never meet anyone that loves you and you are an undesirable partner with nothing to offer

- Disbelief that it's actually happening to you

[Lizard]

funny about that.. same here

[HayleyC]

I think it's always helpful to research the issue - so if I think someone might have a particular anxiety disorder I find more about what it is, symptoms, signs. I also try and find out the help in the area that might be best for the person depending on their preferences - like going to a trusted GP who has an interest in mental health. psychs, counsellors, etc. I think knowing about these things, letting the person know about them, and letting them know they you are there for support at any time is usually helpful? I've only had to deal with depression and anxiety in others though - not the more severe mental health disorders so I'm not sure if this approach works in a broad sense?

[Kelly]

You definitely need to be as well informed as possible. Knowledge has helped me understand his illness even though there are no solutions or "cures". This forum is a powerful way to not feel so alone, especially when it feels like all your friends children are doing so well!

[sbmc]

@Former-Member Doing the research and learning (and listening and self-reflecting) is so important and over the years It’s at least felt easier for me to accept my mum and engage in less judgemental and critical communication when i’m concerned.

i’ve spent the last decade researching the experience and motivations for alcohol dependence and have my own experiences of depression and social anxiety.

I’ve slowly been able to build a relationship with my mum where I can give her more empathy for the vulnerable feelings that might underly her behaviour and, working to show her over time that i’n No longer critical of her.

She still needs to take her own journey to change her own perception if that will happen though, so i’ve Stopped pushing my own ideas and perceptions on her

[Yabitha]

she sounds "hyper sensitive".. people on the "ultra defensive" are usually struggling with something underneath which is getting to boiling point. Can you bring in another person to talk about it with her and try to decrease the stress on the discussion by combining it with a few other topics. Relieving the focus by adding a few more topics of discussion will help defuse her hyper sensitivity. When you conclude on the chosen paths on all topics of discussion it wont seem like it was such a big deal in her mind and she will happily do everything required. You could also try talking about your own mental health issues and asking for her to support you , so the focus again is not totally on her or her mental health. You might suggest one day going down to headspace and having a chat with the free doctors on hand there who know all about tge best medications for different kinds of brain issues.. then also, of course, make sure she eats enough and sleeps enough until the "danger period" is over. (milkshakes, or smoothies, pizza, chocolate and tv are a great stress buster combination).