Lived Experience Forum

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah for sure, I think it really helps with that connection too, to feel like you're two humans working together as opposed to some cold, clinical expert telling me what to do. 

That's a pretty huge realisation hun. I think it's pretty dang understandable to feel rage in response to how much you've sacrificed for the comfort of others. Heavy stuff, I hope these realisations help pave the way to healing for you 🤞💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I think it’s taken me so long to understand the rage I feel within me. A part of me feels guilty for feeling it. I’m sure my parents did the best they could, and I don’t think my mum intentionally wanted me to feel guilty for feeling. She is the one who used to say I looked like a clown though. I’ve had times where I felt scared of her emotions, I can’t even begin to say. I have seen her suicidal. You can be close to someone but not able to talk to them about your MH. I think she interpreted me shut down as lack of trust. I just don’t think she could hold space for me intense emotions, but I don’t blame her. I just sort of wish I had someone in my life who could hold the space and someone who I didn’t need to mask with.

I hope you were able to rest up last night 💖. I needed some time off so went to bed early

[creative_writer]

My mum initially brushed the trauma aside and didn’t believe it, I do believe she has come to terms with it to some extent with time. But not being believed fed into the idea that I was making a big deal over nothing, so left me battling this feeling that perhaps I’ve magnified the situation and my reaction wasn’t okay. It was really lonely, so I shut down for years. I mean many people move on from trauma (it’s been years and I’m safe), but I haven’t moved on. I have let it affect my entire life, it feels like a bit of an abnormal reaction on my part

[Jynx]

@creative_writer Yeah got some good rest - and glad that you decided to listen to your needs last night and tapped out/took the time off. 

A lot of what you've expressed here really does resonate with my experiences. Mainly the way you also felt that you had to bury your emotions, and being concerned about magnifying the issues. For me, I recall deliberating (to the point of agonising) over how valid my trauma was for years. I didn't understand why I felt so horrible inside, but thought that I didn't have any reason, any excuse for feeling the way I did - so I then shamed and belittled myself for my feelings which just made everything worse. Wasn't until much later that I realised that yeah, actually, stuff like your dad saying you look like a pig IS actually traumatising! 

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@creative_writer wrote:
 I mean many people move on from trauma (it’s been years and I’m safe), but I haven’t moved on. I have let it affect my entire life, it feels like a bit of an abnormal reaction on my part

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Many may have moved on, but many others wouldn't have. No one else has lived your life, has dealt with the challenges you've faced. Who is to say that anyone else would have an easier time of it? I really doubt it.

Nah, and this is just my opinion but, I think you're responding exactly as expected considering everything you've shared about what you've been through. Our parents did the best they could, and we can make space to be understanding of that - but it doesn't mean we need to suppress or ignore the wounds they gave us. Literally saw a pic about this the other day, so I rustled it up:

All those times you had to suppress stuff, that you felt you were making a big deal over nothing? You're allowed to express it all now. Make a big deal, scream about it, get angry, get spiteful.... and let that be fuel to the fire of motivation. My two cents anyway 😉

[creative_writer]

@Jynx sometimes the stuff we tell ourselves if what others told us in the past.

Sometimes we may love our parents, but I feel like I need to be careful when talking about my MH to ensure I don’t trigger my mum. She has said some very emotional things when heightened, and I’m just scared. I know how heightened she has gotten when arguing with my dad, it’s hard not to have panic attacks when mum shows signs of SI. Like last year I was working from home on placement, and I found myself feeling really anxious because I could hear my parents arguing. I reckon she also has that tendency of suppressing emotions till they explode. It only clicked that moment that their arguments have triggered a lot of anxiety. Yes, they love each other. But loving can be hard sometimes, particularly when one has MI.

I think I have so much within me that is trying to surface, it’s scary, but I know the only way through is to let it out. I am afraid of my emotions. I know things can get super rough, I know I can always contact my supports for sooner appointments if need be and take PRN if things start getting out of hand. I think I’ll need to go slow in releasing the fire within me

[Jynx]

Yeah absolutely @creative_writer there's definitely stuff I've had to work on letting go cos I realised that even though it was said in my own voice in my head, they weren't my words and I didn't actually have to hold onto them. 

Wow, yeah your parents arguing is bound to leave a mark. Listening to that, and having heard that across the course of your life, is modelling to you that relationships are tumultuous and difficult, and require one to suppress everything until it explodes out of you. 

Letting it out slow is also valid! We all gotta do stuff at our own pace 😉

When you say you're afraid of your emotions, what are you referring to? Like afraid of how intense they'll feel, or maybe like afraid of how they might impact others? 

Ahh geez the evening has flown by - I'm about to head off for tonight. Hope you get a good rest, and I will catch you/reply to you tomoz 💜

[Shaz51]

Good night @Jynx 😊

Sending you lots of understanding hugs my friend 🧡 @creative_writer 

[creative_writer]

@JynxI feel like our self talk is often very heavily influenced by our childhood. I never really recognised how my upbringing was traumatic until I became an adult. Some types of traumas are not easily to recognise.

I have always grown up hearing my parents argue, I sort of just accepted it as a normal thing since all parents argue. I’ve learn that maybe not all parent arguments are this tumultuous though. My parents told me when I was younger I actually asked them whether they were getting “divorced”. I don’t remember the context or asking it. Though I have observed their relationship over time and I have come up with an idea of what I want my relationship with in laws to look like. I don’t tolerate people seeping past my boundaries, I feel like there is some beauty in having boundaries and privacy. How I will set those boundaries, I do not know. I guess I’ll worry about it when the time comes.

I guess I’m afraid of becoming so overwhelmed that I’m struggling to get through the day. I may not have SI now, but I can’t say it won’t return.

Will talk to you tomorrow, I hope you sleep well 💖. I’ve just taken my meds, so will be going to bed in an hour or so.

@Shaz51💖🫂

[creative_writer]

@PinkFlamingo this is my thread

[PinkFlamingo]

Hey there @creative_writer ☺️🌺

thank you for having me here with you, where your story is 💜🙂🫂

it’s a privilege ☺️

I haven’t had too much opportunity to flow back through the pages just yet, however if there are any particular things you’d feel comfortable to share with me so I can chat with care, please feel free to do so 🙂🌺💜

I will also kindly say that you don’t have to worry about anything being a topic of sensitivity in terms of how it may land with me: I am really resilient 🙂

I’ll also hold space as best I can, and without any judgement sweetness 💜🙂🌺