Can’t get over that feeling of loneliness

[Macqua]

Small intro; I have BPD, Bipolar Type II, ADHD and Substance Use Disorder, a fun mixture, I know…

I recently came into relapsing quite badly with my sobriety and am currently under the watchful eye of my parents (which I am thankful for as it is continuing my sobriety) but can’t get over the feeling of loneliness which I’ve learnt is a trigger for emotions and cravings. I reach out to multiple services and talk to friends on things such as discord (these friends tend to not know my situation though) but that feeling is still there. I have my folks and a very close friend who check on me daily and who I can lean on for support but I don’t want to bombard them and become clingy.

Just wondering if anyone else can’t get over this feeling or anyone has any advice?

[Jynx]

Hey @Macqua thanks for sharing a bit of your story with us. It sounds like you're really taking some solid steps towards recovery, but finding that the isolation is proving to be a real challenge for maintaining it hey. I am glad to hear that you are taking the time to stay connected via apps like discord, and connecting in with us here too, but it does only go so far hey - we need that face-to-face contact. 

Regarding the feelings of being 'clingy' or 'burdensome' - I promise you hun, the ones that matter don't mind, and the ones that mind don't matter. People actively seek out opportunities to provide care and support to the ones they love; but they can't do so if they have no idea their loved one is having a tough time! It's also okay to trust others to tell us when they are feeling overwhelmed, rather than assuming we would overwhelm them and thus keeping everything bottled up. From my own experience, every single time I bottled stuff up and later my friends found out, they always say they wished they'd known sooner! Just some food for thought 😊

[MermaidHair]

Hey there @Macqua, welcome to the forums.

Great work on getting sober again, that's so awesome.

I'm hearing you that it's not easy with these feelings of loneliness being a trigger for you, and it sounds a bit like you're constantly at odds with it.

It's great that you utilise services, have your discord friends and your parents and close friend obviously care a lot about you too. The people who love you would probably rather you lean on them and be a bit "clingy", than have you struggling and feeling alone 🙏

I am thinking this community will also be another great outlet for you to forge connections and feel supported so I'm really glad you're here!

[Macqua]

Hey @Jynx & @MermaidHair! Thanks for having me and allowing me to share even a small part of my story. 

I had some face to face socialisation on the weekend, the first being homemade high tea for my close friend and my parents (they met for the first time so there was some draining nervous energy) and the second being my cousins birthday lunch (a lot of my family don’t know how bad my situation is at the moment so I felt as if I was behind a mask the whole time). It was all really good and successful but it didn’t quench that thirst for company. 

I hear what you’re both saying about the “clinginess” and “burdening” but with the way my brain is wired, I can’t help but worry for others.

I managed to have a great half hour chat yesterday with Annie on the Sane phone line and that really helped because I could be open and honest and it felt as if just talking to a friend! However, this was after speaking to an AOD outreach program clinician I had never spoken to before who told me I should be calling other services for a “chat”, even though I mentioned on my intake I’d be doing a daily check in. That didn’t help with that isolated feeling.

I guess what I’m looking for is some peers who can relate to my story so I can be open and honest like I was with Annie while still maintaining a genuine friendship. While I seek that, it’s not something I want anyone else to be going through considering how hard it all is (lol).

I told some other close friends of mine last night and they really helped to cheer me up after explaining to them just how bad things were, wish was nice.

Spiel over.

[Lax]

@Macqua, hi,
I can relate to your situation, had similar experiences this year and pretty isolating being on the wagon again and not being able to socialise easily. friendships aren’t the same. thanks for being able to articulate it. These forums are helping me with an accepting environment. These struggles are pretty isolating tho I have found local basketball courts can be a good space to find inclusive experiences at times.

[MJG017]

Hi @Macqua, welcome to the forum, and well done for sharing some of your story... it's never easy, but a great step.  My first step at trying to sort out the loneliness that was a major part of my life for decades was an online forum like this one.  I've never been diagnosed with anything... other than my GP telling me I was depressed but the loneliness... i've dealt with that, and the issues it causes for many, many years.

I can't really give much better advice than what @Jynx wrote.  We do tend to convince ourselves that we have to hide our feelings and that we'll 'bombard' people if we really open up and reach out to them.  Yeah, some people might then distance themselves but then you do find out who your real friends, the ones you can count one are.  But your parents... there's no risk there.  They'd would be worried about you and want to help you.  It probably worries them a lot if they feel like you're not telling them everything.  So bombard them as much as you want.  They will be so relieved that you did and it will help you.

Like I said, I started with an online forum, sharing stuff about myself for the very first time.  Found out that people will listen and support.  That gave me confidence and I got more involved.  Now I have a men's group I go to and even a board game group.  To be fair I was dragged kicking and screaming to that... not because I didn't like board games, but because it was a room full of random people I didn't know and I found it very difficult to go.  I still feel uneasy after about 10 meetings but I know some people there no and enjoy going, but still everytime it's that day, I feel hesitancy and doubts, but it gets a lot easier.

So you just have to keep reaching out to people, building that network around you.  Eventually start to find some things in your local area to do that interest you.  Just keep trying to find things to add to you life that involve other people.  It can be a slow process but just keep trying and it will get easier.  It can only take a small amount of people that you start to have regular contact with for those feelings of loneliness to become less overwhelming.  Best of luck to you, it's not easy but you've done very well so far.