CPTSD

[Bear00]

I have CPTSD from my childhood abuse

Content/trigger warning

(physical and emotional + my mum trying to k*ll me multiple times). Because of that it’s been hard to build a trust with people. I’ve had rly messy relationships with my ex and some of my friends. I experienced bullying and sexual abuse.

I’ve been seeing my psychiatrist weekly and my psychologist monthly after I got discharged from the hospital. 
But I kinda just had enough of seeing them. They taught me how my reactions/feelings to certain things are related to my trauma.

Everytime when I feel certain things my brain remind myself that I react in this way because of what happened in my past. But it feels like I am basically shaped by my trauma. 
I have difficulty accepting that this is my life. Why do I have to continue living this life trying to fix the problems that I didn’t create but my parents shaped me into? 
It feels just so unfair. 
I’m so sick of living this life. I don’t wanna carry anymore 

[AuntGlow]

Hello @Bear00, 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I can't even begin to imagine how scary and overwhelming these experiences have been for your mind and body to process... how you react and feel towards life now makes perfect sense. 

I think you absolutely deserve more regulation in your life, and I really hope that we can help be a part of this journey. 

I understand why you would feel shaped by your trauma, and you're right, what happened to you isn't fair at all. I really wish we could shift all of this for you in an instant, but I know with some time, safe spaces, and a little rewiring, things can change. 

I would like to hear more about what you have explored to nurture yourself and heal from these experiences - you mentioned therapy, but it seems like that isn't sitting comfortably for you right now... what feels missing?

Also, I would love to know what kind of life you dream of - even if it's something really simple right now (I know it can be hard to connect to this in the midst of trauma, so no pressure at all to share if you're not ready to). 

Our community will be here for you whenever you need to chat with people who truly get what it's like to feel how you do. 🥰

[Ed1975]

@Bear00 don't give up. My father and uncle sent me to hell and back. I am 50 and recently diagnosed with C-PTSD. It has shaped my whole life and ruined everything I had. Seek a diagnosis and go see a psychologist who can do EMDR. There is a path forward for you. It's going to be tough, but the only way is through, as I am now finding out. Stay positive, you've taken a good step coming on here.

[Bear00]

@AuntGlowthank you for your reply

I’m not too sure about what missing from my supporting team.

I’ve been on and off from therapy for so long, I’ve tried sandplay therapy, CBT, psychodynamic therapy, a bit of EMDR and DBT. But here I am still feeling stuck. 
but TIPP skills (especially one u need to put ice pack on your forehead and hold your breath as much as u can and repeat for few minutes) really work for me to calm me down.

My dream life would be when I become a fully adult (i’m adult but i’m still relying on my parents money for uni cos I’m an international student), enjoying my life cutting all ties from my parents and toxic people from my past. I also want to have  a dog or cat.

[Bear00]

@Ed1975 Thank you for your reply.

I have diagnosed CPTSD and I’ve tried EMDR because my psychologist does that. But currently they think it is too risky to do EMDR for me cos my symptoms are not stable. 

it’s been really hard to stay positive but I will try. Thank you so much 

[Patches59]

@Bear00   I’m in my early 60’s and recently diagnosed with CPTSD due to decades of abuse which started in childhood that have had negative impact on my adult life.

as @Ed1975 said, don’t give up.  I started seeing a psychologist couple years ago, am still working with her and, most likely, will be for more time to come.  I saw a psychiatrist for a year with who I didn’t have a connection.

having done different types of therapy over the years I’ve learnt 2 important things.  One is working with a specialist with whom there is a connection is so important.  Knowing and doing the type of therapy that feels right/comfortable is the other.

at the start my psychologist mentioned EMDR, iwithin me it never felt right.  After telling her this and asking what other therapies are options she explained each one.  Whilst she was explaining Scheme Therapy I started to feel comfortable.  It’s a long journey.  I can see and understand the benefits of this therapy.  Still slowly trying to learn how to change my way of looking at things, slowly trying to retrain my brain.  

As I said to my psychologist earlier this year ….. it’s my trauma I’m trying to heal from, I feel I need to be involved with type of therapy I do to heal my heal”

have you explained to your psychiatrist and psychologist how you are feeling?   They may not realise how you are feeling.    Took me a long time to find my voice to tell my psychologist how I was feeling.  Things have improved between her and I since then

[tyme]

Thanks you for sharing @Patches59 ,

I got a lot out of your post. We appreciate you sharing your lived experience and sharing your insights into your own journey. 

@Bear00 , hope things work out for you. We are here to support you.

[AuntGlow]

Hello @Bear00, how are you feeling today?

It sounds like you have explored a lot of different therapeutic modalities, which is amazing. TIPP can be so great for halting big emotions in their tracks, can't it? 

Have you found chatting to people on the forums helpful at all?

Ah, I can imagine when you are fully independent, you will feel so free. A little fur baby would be such a wonderful addition to your life too. How long until you finish uni? And how has the uni experience been for you? ☺️💛