Lived Experience Forum

[StruggleGuzzle]

Hi all, first time poster. Be warned...this is a long one with lots of rambling but I'm desperate for some sort of help, validation or clarification. Anything really, I just need to get this out.

Lets get straight into it. I work in child safety, providing positive role modeling to young people in the system due to their parents being either unable or unwilling to have these children in their care. 

Long story short, I help children who have had silimar childhoods to myself, one positive for the children I care for, police/government/child protection has interviened, taking them away from their unsafe environments and putting them into therapeutic care to help them get through their traumas and hopefully point them in the right direction to be able to live rich, compelling and happy lives, free from harm and making positive choices for themselves. 

Myself as a child, wasn't helped. No one interviened, I had to help myself with self reflection, education and understanding that I can choose my path moving forward. I can have the mindset of being a victim of severe childhood sexual abuse or, I can have the mindset how I am a survivor. I am not a damaged person looking after damaged young people. I am a survivor who aims to teach these young people that they also are survivors.

But.....Becoming the suvivor I am was a long drawn out process over many and many years. Had to survive my own worst enemy which happened to be myself, beating myself up, putting myself down, hurting myself and even attempting on numerous occasions to get me to take my own life. I always struggled with severe depression and anxiety. Going off and on all these different kinds of medications (since age of diagnosis which was 12) and nothing seemed to get me "normal" or even just feel genuine happiness..

Anyways 6 months ago I was diagnosed with Dissociative identity disorder and that put a whole new spanner in my way of thinking...And made sence of a lot of confusion and memory lapses that I struggled with in my day to day life. My medication has been changed and I am feeling improvement maybe for the first time in my life.

But.....It's still a stuggle and I need help.

I'm rambling and need to get back on topic...My work in child safety and my recent diagnosis of Dissociative identity disorder. 

A few weeks back I was involved in a minor car accident, resulting with me having to ring work and inform them I would be late for work. My damaged tyre had to be changed and my son drove me to work as I was feeling a bit "frazzled" from the car accident. I was on shift for what felt like a very short time (30 minutes or so) when my manager called me from home, explaining she has a co worker coming to pick me up and take me home as she was concerned about my car accident. I assured my manager I was fine to continue working but she was adament so I took up the offer of the ride home.

The next day I was called for an "informal meeting" regarding my car accident. I didn't think much of it at the time, thinking it was them taking percausions that they young people in my care would be safe driving with me. I wasn't concerned as I have never even had a speeding ticket before. However when I turned up to the meeting it was brought to my attention that it was my "deameanor" while on shift after the car accident that was the real reason for the meeting. Turns out my co worker felt that I was on some sort of narrcotics and informed my manager (hense the real reason I was sent home), I was informed that my speech was slurry and I wasn't walking normally to the point of using the wall to steady myself with and even a young person asking if I was drunk. Apon hearing this I was shocked because I don't remember being that way, I am not a narcotic user and simply could not explain why I was presenting that way. I explained about my recent D.I.D diagnosis, told them what perscribed medications I take and even offered to do a drug test to aid in clearing my name (which my offer was declined).

I left the meeting and asked my son if he thought I was acting different after the accident, he said that I was different stating it was like as if I was drunk but not real drunk and that I didn't seem to care how I had just been in a accident and had a damaged car but was instead real fixated on getting to work.

My next shift at work I looked up the shift reports for that night. I was suprised to see that I was on shift for a lot longer than the mere 30 or so minutes I had origionaly thought but was instead on shift for multiple hours. Doing my job as normal, there was shift reports that I had written of things that I didn't even recall doing such as tucking in a young person in bed etc.

Reflecting on it, I think the car accident may have triggered a D.I.D episide while on shift. I think scared me dissapeared and the in charge me took over, went on auto-pilot, explains the time lapse, hazy memory and also change in demeanor, on the bright side my alter appears to be cool, calm and collected during stressful times however my concern is if my alter is slurring and not standing straight, making me look like I'm under the influence while on shift. I'm not!

I am the most senior staff member on my team and my work experience shows how I have always been reliable and able to form fantastic, trusting relationships with the young people I care for and my co workers. In all honesty there has been other slight episodes while on shift during my years there which my co workers (well I think at least) hasn't noticed such as forgotten conversations (which was told to an alter, not me), however this is the worst my D.I.D has impacted my work. I not long ago recieved a call from management now requesting a "formal" HR meeting regarding my deamenor during the car accident shift, so obviously now I think for them not to be taking me at my word and to be pursuing this further that management think I am a drug user and I am again going to have to try and defend myself, this is all very stressful and I just want to get off this continuous roller coaster that I'm always on. 

Bottom line is I don't know what to do or how to move forward, I feel I am losing control over my own self and my reputation as a professional. Losing hope for my own future.

[Bow]

Hey @StruggleGuzzle  welcome to the forums to start with! I hope that you feel heard and supported by the lovely folks that are here. 

thank you for sharing a bit of your story with us, it’s brave of you! I use to work in OOHC, case managing kids in NGO residential and foster care. Like you I had a passion to see kids lives changed when they come from pretty rough backgrounds… similar to my own. So thumbs up for you for tackling such a stressful field while managing your mental health, that’s no easy task! I also have moments of disassociating, but no DID diagnosis. 

can understand that you would be feeling a bit lost as to what to do about your current situation. Have you had the chance to speak with your dr about what happened? I’m not overly familiar with DID, but perhaps there needs to be some adjustments to your medication still? 

wishing you all the best

🎀

[Christheart]

Greetings @StruggleGuzzle 

You are obviously a very caring and capable person, I can tell this from your writing. 

What you are going through sounds scary and potentially isolating. Just remember you are not alone. Speak to friends, family and your health care I professionals about what you are going through, don't be embarrassed. 

It sounds like you could be right about the trauma of the care accident triggering disassociation. From what I know, the brain does this as a self protective mechanism... 

If you have to take time off work to recover, don't beat yourself up about that or feel like you are failing. You've already been through and come through so much. 

Thinking of you and praying for you

Christheart 

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