Lived Experience Forum

[Zahlia]

Oh yummy! I love spag bol, such a quick easy meal. 

It's nice your daughter is escaping this dreadful weather though.... the Gold Coast would be so lovely to holiday in!

[BlueBay]

@Zahlia

How do I stay okay for the night?  I am feeling very angry, frustrated, abandoned and emotional.  I tried to call the CAT team after seeing my therapist today but hung up because I was too scared to talk to them.

It feels like the whole world is against me 😞

[Zahlia]

@BlueBay

Why were you scared to talk to the CAT team? It might be helpful to give them a call and talk to them about all your feelings... And remember to use the crisis lines, (like Lifeline) if you think you feel unsafe tonight. 

Well you know for certain everyone here at sane is not against you 🙂 we are all with you

[BlueBay]

@Zahlia

I was too scared in case I opened up too much and broke down.  I am trying to hold everything in place, but I think it is going to collapse soon.  I was scared that they would come to my house and then my husband would know exactly how i am.  

I could try again later.

Thank you, I know that everyone on here are very supportive, caring and beautiful people. And I know that no one on here is against me. It just feels like the whole world is against me 

[utopia]

@BlueBay. Your forgetting one important thing. Your relationship with him isn't over. He has said HE can't help you anymore - not that YOU can't be helped. He also said tgat he wants you to contact him next year. He wants to see how you are going. He cares for you.
So it's not the end of your relationship. It's simply a change in the type of relationship.

[utopia]

@BlueBay. I hope you are feeling a bit better today. The sun is shinning here (after 2 days of grey) & the birds are all singing noisily.
Is it sunny at your place? Do you have plans for today

[BlueBay]

Good morning @utopia

I am okay this morning.  I think last night was the start of a lot of triggering stuff from the week.  From seeing my psych on Tuesday to then seeing my therapist yesterday.

I know what you're saying about my therapist. But to me it still feels like abandonment.  

It is sunny here, thank god no more rain (well for now).  

Going to see an old friend today.  Haven't seen her for over 20 yrs and we are going to surprise her at her cafe.  Then off to a festival where there is lots of entertainment and food.  Our oldest son has decided he now wants to come as well.

My daughter just phoned from the Gold Coast, she and her boyfriend arrived there for their holiday.  Glad she got there, i was worried that they would sleep in and miss their 6am flight.

What plans do you have for today?

I will come back on tonight.  Wishing you a nice day. xxxoo

[utopia]

That sounds like a great day you have planned. I hope your friend gets a nice surprise. It's never too late to get back in touch with old friends.
I hope you didn't think that I didn't understand how abandoned you feel about loosing your therapist. I think that's a reasonable reaction due to your history. I was just hoping that by thinking of the new relationship you will create with him - it might help refocus you away from your feelings of abandonment. I never meant to dismiss those feelings.
I had a big day yesterday - our local show. Nowhere near as big or grand as the MMelbourne show or some of the large regional town shows. But ours has a unique twist based around our farming history. And this year there were so many more free activities for the young. My 5 year old niece loved it. Then celebrated with my best friend last night with a little too much drink. So feeling a bit dehydrated this morning. I'll do a bit of weeding today - although the wind has a fierce cold to it today. And my son can give me a hand with a general tidy up of the house.
Enjoy your day. It sounds like it's going to be fabulous

[Decadian]

Hi @BlueBay

You do not need your husband to "huff n puff" - I know he like to be a bit of a control freak at times and you would find it easier if he listened rather than freaked out on you

The next weeks will be difficult - I wish I could make it easier - and this thing with your psychologist is difficult - you already have abandonment issues which make it harder for you

I did look up "The Primal Wound" - it is a book you can buy - not a large book - but it is really for people who have been adopted. Now I know my son suffered terribly from his being adopted - totally and understandably unable to understand that WE wanted him - his birth mother for whatever reason - had not been able to care for him - and he perceived this as her not wanting him - and this was not the case

But when people like our mothers treat us badly it leaves a different scar - and yes - I did read when you know I understand your pain because I have been through it too - actually - that was good feedback because maybe I understood my son better because my parents had treated us both badly

However - your psychologist is different - he is working and maybe his doctor has told him to cut back his work load - I know my GP cut his work load back over time - he was in the process of retiring and yet kept me as his patient for 35 years - and I was among the last of his patients - as I had been one of his first - so that was hard - but it is just as difficult to change doctors and therapists as it is to change anyone important in our lives - it is a loss and we have to grieve that loss

Take it easy on yourself - I am on the edge myself today - wondering if I can find it any easier and how - nothing but more bad weather will stop the small planes from flying over my house and I am so edgy with the funeral tomorrow and having to see TS - ooohhhh -  I could do without that woman

Still - from the outside I believe you are working hard on yourself - it's just hard to see the results - but it shows in your writing - you are being more open and therefore more honest - and yes - it is hard

Thinking of you

Decadian

[BlueBay]

Hi @utopia

Well hubby and son and I went to surprise our friend.  We walked into her cafe, sat down and asked to speak with her.  She came over and said hello but didn't really recognise us.  I said to her 'do you remember me' and said my name and she hugged us and said I thought I knew your face when you walked in but couldn't put a name to the face!!!

We ended up having lunch there but unfortunately she was so busy we couldn't talk much.  Her three sons all work there and it was nice to see them.  I realised after talking with her that it's been 24 yrs that we haven't seen each other.  

We left hugging and crying and she said we must keep in touch.  I will and she said she hopes to visit us when she closes over xmas break.

Over all those years, she has divorced (my cousin) and i have no contact with him or his family.  Her parents have both died and she has recently lost her soul mate, her partner.

I am looking forward to seeing her again and having more time to talk.

We then drove to the festival but it was so busy that we couldn't find a car park, so we drove home.

Just got home and I feel okay.  It's funny how sometimes you think of a person and now today all of sudden I have gone to see her.

It's something i have wanted to do for a while; had nothing to do with my mum; it was my decision. and it was nice.

Glad to see your niece enjoyed the show. And you have a good son, helping you tidy up the house.