Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member

Sorry I wasn't very clear.

You talked about someone (or some people?) deliberately doing things knowingly to hurt you, which is why I brought up boundaries. Regardless of what the action is, if it hurts or upset you, you shouldn't have to put up with it. Which is why I raise the topic of creating boundaries. Here are some good discussions about boundaries you might want to check out:

Boundaries

How do I enforce boundaries

If you want to submit a question for Ask Anything Monday, you can find info about here in the first post. If you're responding to someone's weekly question (which I posted above) then you don't have to be anonymous - you just respond as yourself.

If you don't want to submit your question on Ask Anything Monday you could start a new thread as you would in the forums usually. 

There are a fair few carers who have talked about similar things to what you're experiencing, so I'm sure you'll get some helpful responses.

Hope I've cleared that up for you!

Nik

[NikNik]

Happy Monday everyone!

For those new to Ask Anything Monday, AAM is an opportunity for people to submit their question to team@saneforums.org without attaching their name to it. Each Monday I put the question up and the community answers it.

This week's question is:

My brother is a happy-go-lucky guy and seemingly "normal" and functional. Recently there's been a few celebratory events where we've been drinking together. A two occasions over the past 3 months he's told me, while quite intoxicated, he wants his life to end.

The first time I was shocked and didn't know what to say, but the second time I tried to question him to see if he was for real or not. He said his life was boring and he had nothing to live for (being single etc). He seemed serious at the time, but the next day he was back to his 'regular' self.

I'm not sure what to do. People say that people speak the truth when they are drunk, but on the other hand, I know alcohol can also make us depressed, so is he only saying it because he's intoxicated?

I know you can't answer that question, so I guess what I want to know is how do I approach my brother about this? 

[Former-Member]

Hello,

Not sure I am the best person to help with this but had a few thoughts.

As you say alcohol is a depressant and a lot of people have end my life type thoughts and never act on it.

When you write that he seemed himself the next day do you mean that you had a discussion with him when he is sober and he has reassured you. If you have not done this it might be a good idea to try to do this in a non confrontational way.

If he says he is okay then maybe he is. I would not like to leave him alone when he has been drinking and speaking in this way.

[Freedom]

Hi, I just joined This forum tonight and your post was the first thing I read. It was like reading my life which has just happened to me. I too was married 30 years and have recently separated 10 months ago. My husband also lived a double life for decades. I Left him for financial reasons with out knowing his hidden secret affairs. I just discovered them 2 months ago. I'm in shock. Feeling knumb and empty. bipolar is a cruel illness. Their actions are not them. They have no brakes in their mind to stop these horrible things. All I can do is pray and try to understand and help him find the correct treatment. Life will test us and we can only do our best. 

[Shaz51]

Hello , welcome to the forum

As you say alcohol is a depressant and a lot of people have end my life type thoughts -- my husband has felt more depressed and anxious when having alcohol , so he has stopped drinking to see how he feels , he has not had a drink for a week now

[Janna]

My understanding is that alcohol is a mood-altering substance which is not only a depressant but also an emotional disinhibitor.  Disinhibition means that there is an over expression of emotions and often emotions become magnified.  For example:  when unaffected you may feel that your life generally has no purpose but you are able to hold that thought and the accompanying emotions in a healthy way - versus - under the influence of alcohol this feeling becomes overwhelming, uncomfortable, creates anxiety and leads to chain reaction of thoughts about how bad your life is in every aspect.  This is why it is not unusual to see intoxicated people crying, hysterical, overly aggressive, highly depressed, suicidal, etc, etc.  The regulatory mechanism which usually tempers and contains these emotions has been affected by alcohol.  This is potentially why your brother expresses suicidal thoughts when intoxicated and not at any other time.  Does this mean that he is suicidal?  or that you should be concerned?  I view it like this.  Thoughts of suicide are an outward expression or symptom of a deeper emotional condition.  It is an indicator that the emotional pain that an individual is experiencing at that time is greater than their current coping capacity. Most times people who express a desire to die to not actually want to physically die, they want to stop the emotional pain/hurt that they are feeling.  I would take these expressions as an indicator that your brother has some deeper issues which need to be addressed and would encourage him to address these by seeing a pychologist.  Saying your life is boring means that he feels internally empty and that he has lost purpose.  The goal of therapy would be to dive deeper into this to find what the cause of this emptiness is and work through things from there.  It is also possible that he is suffering from depression which he cleverly conceals whilst sober.  I would suggest talking to him and expressing your concerns.  Be direct and ask him why he feels his life is boring and ask him to expand on this.  Encourage him to express his feelings and seek help.

All the best

Janna ❤️

[Maple]

Hi there,

Just a few thoughts on my experience of someone (my husband when we first were going out together in our late teens 30 years ago) who regularly had big drinking binges and during them expressed many feelings i never saw when he was sober. His love for me and caring nature was prevelant when he was well. By that I mean before he suffered from depression as he does now. He was quirky and imaginative and sometimes that was more expressed when he drank too and people sometimes thought it was weird. But over the years he has become increasingly negative, angry, agressive and suspicious of the world. When he drinks this is much worse and if I bring it up with him he thinks I am the one with the problem or I have caused his behaviour. When he drinks now he swings on one occassion between being extremely aggressive towards me, to being very down and mentioning to me that he has had suicidal thoughts at other times. Since hearing this I knew things were not right. If you feel things are not right, go with your insinct. Since then my husband has progressed to such bad lows he has been bed ridden, unable to work, and realised that his drinking does not help! Thank goodness! Drinking complicates everything. He is getting treatment now for depression and less likely to blame me and cant say it is the drinking that has caused several days in bed..... 

I came to the conclusion that what he says when he is drinking is absolutely a part of what he is feeling. If you know someone who has said they have suicidal thoughts it should not be taken lightly even if they say they are ok when sober. Even if they do not intend to go all the way it is a cry for help. A part of them knows it and their barriers are down enough when drinking that the feeling is expressed.

Wishing your brother well. In the end you can express your concerns and make suggestions but he needs to get himself some help. 

Kind Regards

[Maple]

ABSOLUTELY!

OMG, I feel as though I could have written that post but with a boy and girl at school! My husband is home after trauma at work and hasn't worked for a year.

So hard keeping a home running and welcoming and feel safe for our kids. I often wonder about the impact on them. I think they are really what keep me going.... so hard when you have no family around to support or give you time out. So I find I can only cope when I have a break planned. It doesnt have to be fancy. Just a few nights away from the house with a couple of girlfriends works a treat.

Actually if you have a friend that you can confide in it really helps. someone who gets what you are going through. I actally also see a Psycotherapist monthly to touch base with how I am coping with it all and how my husband is going. It helps me feel like I am on a path with purpose. I am going in a direction and not just having to deal with the same run of the mill difficulties over and over.

Wishing you well.

[NikNik]

Happy Monday everyone,

Thanks to @Maple @Janna @Shaz51 @Freedom @Former-Member for responding to last week's post.

This week's Ask Anything Monday question is:

I'm madly in love with a woman with bipolar. We have been seeing each other for about a year now. She was upfront and told me straight away about her diagnosis and gave me a 'get out of jail free' card, but I didn't want to leave.

Over the past couple of months she's had major depressive episodes, lasting a total of about 5 days.

The thing is I feel like i have let her down (she also tells me this) as I did not realise until it was too late that she was spiralling down. The most recent episode, which is actually at the moment, she tried to hide she was feeling sad so I totally did not see it coming and now she is telling me she is having doubts about us because I have let her down and I should of realised how she was feeling.

We have not really spoke for 3 days and its ripping me apart. 

I don't want to make the same mistake again, so I want to know how do you know if/when the person you care for is spiralling downwards? How do you talk to them about this in the moment?

[Former-Member]

Something weird happening here
Where's last nights question & responses?