Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

Thanks for the reminder @Former-Member and hi everyone. Sorry I'm so late, just got dinner out of the way. Sigh.

Trying to catch up with the conversation now, hoping for minimal interruptions.

Sherry

[Former-Member]

Sometimes a really good method of support is checking in on your listening and observing skills. This can help us notice when and how we can approach our loved one. Sometimes by noticing that when they are in better headspaces that these are better times to gently make plans or open suggestions vs when they may just need you to listen.

It can seem trivial but by investing in our listening skills and building up the trust with our loved one that we can simply listen at times, will help them feel supported and find their path to opening up and allowing for help.

Some examples of listening skills: 

• Validate
• Use ‘I’ statements to share your feelings rather that ‘you’ and invite your loved one to do the same
• Inquire ‘what would have worked better for you’ ‘how can I make that easier for you’
• Your loved one may feel they need implicit “permission” from you to talk about it. This permission includes subtle cues that let them know it’s okay to talk, and that you want to hear what they have to say. Try using brief prompts such as, “Go on,” “How did that make you feel?”, “Then what?”, and “Tell me more.”
• Allow for silence We’re often taught that silence in a conversation is bad and to avoid it at any cost. But by allowing for silence during active listening, you open up a space for others to talk and think

NB: the above is taken from this article: https://blog.ioaging.org/caregiving/active-listening-caregivers-can-make-communicating-older-adults-... I will add this link into the resources at the end again so you can have a chance to read it after. Disregard the setting of this is for older adults but it’s applicable to all situations!

How do you listen to your loved one? Do you ever find it hard to listen? Does anyone have some tips on listening skills and if it has helped you to notice when your loved one may be more receptive to suggestions vs needing to be heard?

[Former-Member]

Welcome @Former-Member! No worries, you can always read back later - glad you could join us now 

[sbmc]

In terms of research/learning, one of the most helpful things i’ve learnt over time is how to recognise what myself or others feel as negative behaviour or decisions can often be read as a sign of what a person is dealing with internally. If I can address that, instead of the action, things sometimes get resolved more easily.

For example, my aunty seems to express moments of anxiety as seemingly controlling behaviour (esp. of her environment). When she yells and curses about how messy we’ve made the tupperware drawer it’s uncomfortable for us and we feel defensive. If I ask her ‘how are you feeling? Is there something else going on for you?’, it opens a conversation about the core issue, as opposed to the superficial action.

[HayleyC]

I think using silence is a super under-rated listening skills - so many people feel the need to fill silence in but I find that it allows people the room to talk about issues without pressure. Silence also makes some people feel the need to talk, so they'll eventually talk about the 'real' issue.

[Corny]

Thank you @Former-Member I'm really bad at the technology, just dive in you know, middle child syndrome, had to fight my way through.

Unfortunately, information and research is kinda useless if you don't have a receptive medical team and the mental health system is failing. Not trying to be negative. But when you've had to navigate the system for both parents and you keep hitting brick walls....you kinda get a little down about the whole thing. Despair sets in I guess...

Myself and my family can do all the reading we like. At the end of the day the meds, are what they are.....largely ineffective, the mental health system is what it is.....broken, and to top it off my Mum has to contend with an attitude of "set and forget, schizophrenia is just too hard, drug them to the eyeballs and see ya next psychotic break"....

As for Dad (took his own life in 2010).......there just aren't words that describe that situation.....how many years have you got and how many pots of tea can you drink if I try and explain. 

He was not receptive. Which is completely different to a lack of insight.

He had a very very defensive sense of self, ego, self concept, whatever the hell you wanna call it......it was like this agro reflex that only had 2 gears. Agressive and...not-so-aggressive........almost impossible to communicate with a person who is built like that.

He lacked capacity.

[Former-Member]

This is a very difficut skill to master @sbmc and I am glad you have shared it here with others - like I said not easy but very interesting and useful. So reframing your desire to be frustrated and defensive and looking at why your loved one is possibly behaving in a certain way. That can also be a form of a listening skill you have mentioned - where you reflect and your response is focused on her feeling and why.

[Yabitha]

the issue here though is, a loved one who refuses to get help and how do we help them to get it, so its beyong them needing to have insight in this scenario anyway.

 how do we judge the level of urgency to get help and what measures do we take to get that help?

is it a mental health first aid emergency or just a minor glitch?

as an emergency we have quite a lot more responsibility to take some affirmative action especially if its a life threatening situation to the sufferer or anyone else

In the case of a full scale emergency, I guess I for one would be calling the local mental health service trying to get a cat team member to come around, or calling triple zero (in the case of life threatening mental illness), or applying for a mental health "order" that the person gets help via the appropriate body. Getting a GP to come around to do a home visit is something we can do easily and that is also a "least restrictive method" of getting them urgent help if we believe they really need it.

Primarily though, we need to be able to say that communication has broken down to a point that anyone would agree, the sufferer has lost capacity to cope with reality and us needing help. 

I guess we do this by various verbal interactions and noting visual signs and behaviour changes.

Being direct to the person and saying how and why we are concerned should help them quite alot. 

As should remaining in their life even after an episode of illness.

I think the aim is to help our loved ones with a MHC to remain as well as possible, encourage the development of their skills knowledge and capacity with their own condition and aim to prevent bouts of mental illness.

[Former-Member]

Definately an underated skill @HayleyC! Allowing a person to settle into some silence can give them time to collect their thoughts and feelings and work out how to communicate them with you. This can get us closer to them accepting help- which is the goal of our learnings tonight. How can we get that pathway a bit wider open so we can meet them in a space where they can accept help

[Former-Member]

@Corny I can understand the frustration of your experiences, navigating support and medical/mental health systems is a whole other kettle (of tea) which would take quite a few cups to discuss I fear! I am glad you are here though to share and be open to what we can learn regardless - that in itself is a postive step.