Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Determined]

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@Greg_MenCareToo wrote:

@MrDad I often hear partners and people being cared for talk about how happy they are to see the person who cares for them enjoy their own time and hobbies.  

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@Greg_MenCareToo 

Unfortunately for me it is often when I am content or doing something for myself that my darling falls apart. I believe this may have something to do with fear of rejection/ being left or deserted ? 

Thankfully and surprisingly though she supported me getting my motorbike. 

[eth]

@Former-Member  that's a really good question.  Usually when we meet someone new it's like "Hi. How are you? What do you do?"  I found this extremely challenging during the extended periods that I was unable to go out to work due to caring responsibities.  I would struggle to find the right words and feel like I had no worth without a profession.  Eventually a friend who was a counsellor helped me flip it.  So I started saying "I do lunch!"  Most people faded away at this response.  They just didn't get the joke.  If they didn't disappear I would open up a bit, and say "I'm a disability carer at home".  Even to that a lot of people just moved on to someone else.  It took me a very long time to come to terms with this and accept that what I was doing was contributing to society.  And to realize that there are some people out there who do get it.  The state carers organization had counselling and carers support groups where I was able to connect with other carers.   But it's true that there were more women than men in those groups.  I can really see where something like these forums and being able to share anonymously can be really good for male carers.

[Greg_MenCareToo]

@Determined great to hear you say that you felt yourself sinking and decided to do something.  It can be hard to do. well done.

[JMRD]

@Determined  Good on her! And good on you for persevering with your self-care.

[Greg_MenCareToo]

Another perspective on this question I thought of is around dating.  For someone who is single and caring for a parent or child, the conversations can be pretty awkward. 

[Former-Member]

@eth this is really interesting and great that you were able to get a bit of learning I guess in terms of realising your contribution and how vaulable that is 👍🏼

[MrDad]

@Determined It took me a while to accept that I needed to look after myself. In the end after nearly falling apart myself, it finally made sense. If I don't look after myself first and make sure I am OK. If I wasn't at my best How would I be able to do everything for my wife and kids. If I am down they suffer. If I am in a good place I can do more for them. Having a hobby for me was part of making sure I was OK first without taking anything away. In the end it actually gave me the energy to be a better carer.

[Former-Member]

Moving onto the next discussion point everyone! 

If caring for someone in a GTBI relationship, what challenges have you come across in the community and health care system? Have you felt recognised and how have you approached the  challenges? (please note as part of our guidelines around respect to not mention specific services in partnership with criticism/claims- rather the broader governing bodies)

[Greg_MenCareToo]

@MDT Spot on that men can often express care differently.  I have spoken with a lot of young Dads who have children with disabilities and their contribution is going to work to ensure their child has everything they need.   

[Greg_MenCareToo]

This is a really important topic and one that I am happy you have raised @Former-Member . 

As a straight male, I am unable to speak from my own experience although through my work with Men Care Too I have heard stories from men in GBTI relationships and a recurring theme is lack of recognition.  As far as our society has come in accepting all people, there is still many who feel invisible and even though service providers and health professionals may not intend to do so, the men in same sex relationships I have spoken with feel judged and disrespected at times. 

This is a main talking point for the more senior men who grew up in with so much stigma and judgement, sadly for some is still a reality.