Lived Experience Forum

[Eve7]

Yes, I have done that @StayOrGo  and I’m selfish for not putting the needs of my family before my own despair. 
Thank you for sharing xx

[PossumSocks]

Hi @StayOrGo 

I appreciate the authenticity in your post and just wanted to say I empathise and am grappling with similar immensely painful things.

Its incredibly difficult to talk about but I came very close to leaving this world a few months ago and am not really at peace with it. I think a lot of services / support are set up for crisis, like having an immediate plan or intent or attempt. The language and categorisation of suicidal distress by clinical "supports" really bothers me. I'm exhausted by repeatedly being risk assessed and all the scripted responses - it really drives me further into isolation and shame.
I have found the Alternatives To Suicide groups helpful, just simply because its a place you can be honest and talk about the thoughts and interact without people insisting you take yourself to Emergency or "get treatment" that isn't available.

The Alt2su groups are on Zoom, but many people just join and listen with their camera off without pressure to participate or constribute unless they want to.

Here is a video that explains a bit more about the groups origins and philosophy in the states:
https://youtu.be/G2zrMv8C7CA

[Twilightsomniac]

Hi @StayOrGo 

I've only read your post that started this thread so I don't know what others have said.

My last suicide attempt was last year... hasn't even been a year yet.

I struggle with suicide ideation all the time or just wanting to disappear.

I did have a few of the guilt trips but not from the hospital and the fact that it sounds like from what you said the guilt trips started in hospital is absolutely appalling to me. 

My mother actually was the first to start on me and when she called at the hospital the nurse hung up on her and refused to let her talk to me when she called the hospital phone cause she took mine after informing my hubby. 

But it wasn't what people said that made me feel guilty. It was feeling like I was screwing my child up just like they way my mother did to my siblings and I.  

Coincidentally the feeling I was repeating my mother's mistakes is usually what leads to my suicidal thoughts. 

After talking to nurses and the hospital psychologist they spoke to my husband and it's about 9 months later and we are moving from rural town to a more city area when mental health services are more accessible. And they also spoke to my hubby and I about making sure I have proper supports and signs my hubby should be aware of. 

The thing is I want to be here but it's also guilt that I get suicidal thoughts.

I'm not sure I'm making sense but I think you need to have better support before it becomes too much for you again. Knowing others who attempted and were brought back feelings of guilt eventually lead back to suicide. It is hard but honestly people need to learn that making someone who attempted feel bad rather than surrounding them with support is what leads to reattmpts. And health professionals of any type are taught this so it appals me that you were treated like that

[StayOrGo]

Hi @PossumSocks

It is hard to talk about, the decision to go, and also the path that led to the decision in the first place.
It was for me too in the early days, and I found online supports were the easiest for me to cope with, the anonymity of them allowed me to speak without a voice , things that I would not have said out loud in therapy.

It gets easier and if you can please keep talking, I had not heard of the Alt2su site until joining this forum it looks like a good resource and I do wonder why through all the services & organisations I have used why no one has directed me there before?

I understand about the dialogue around risk assessment, I got so frustrated being asked the same questions I actually typed out an all about me page including the dot points of how I came to be unwell and what they can do to help me. LOL because sometimes they never ask that question.

[StayOrGo]

Hi @tyme
Thank you, sometimes it is good to be able to get out my thoughts, some weeks I can go days with out speaking to anyone out side my home and the topic of mental health is not really positive in my home.

[StayOrGo]

Hi @Eve7

I was speaking to my mental health nurse this morning about this topic, apparently the whole guilt and shame technique is taught to try an save a life, I guess that is what ultimately my husband is trying to too, I told my MHN that is only makes me feel worse she said I know but you are still here to feel.

[tyme]

How are you going @StayOrGo ? I was reading through you messages and wanted to check-in with you.

[StayOrGo]

Hey @tyme
I am a bit better, I am back on my meds, I couldn’t afford to pick them up so I went two and a half weeks without them.
So I have realised that my medication definitely does stop the suicidal ideation but it only helps the symptoms and when I stop the problem is still there.

[Eve7]

My h used to say it was the most selfish thing a person could do @StayOrGo which only ever made me feel worse.

I am once again fighting my demons.

[tyme]

Hi @StayOrGo ,

Thank you for updating us. 

I'm so sorry you were not able to pick up those meds. I really hope things continue to get better for you - you deserve it.

Hi @Eve7 !