Lived Experience Forum

[RedHorse]

I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way = anxious and afraid about everything but unable or too useless to actually DO anything to improve things. I know that I have it really good compared to others in that I am on DSP (for MDD, BPD, CPTSD) and don't have to worry about going to work yet I just want to check out once and for all. If it wasn't for my beautiful daughter who lives interstate with her husband and dogs I would be gone already... Not for lack of trying to be completely honest. Psychiatrist, Psychologist, GP and Carer do try to help but cannot do the "work" for me. I've tried just about every combination and dosage of meds available + DBT, CBT, inpatient treatment, ongoing therapy, phone counseling and living close to nature (the last has become a trial and now I'm just a sad, isolated loser on a mobile phone with dirty hair and fingernails). I'm sorry for whinging. I've typed and deleted so many posts. Oh did I mention the crippling indecision? I feel so alone

[Former-Member]

Hello @RedHorse  sorry that you are feeling isolated and lack some direction in your life. You are very lucky in having a team of people to be there and help. More than a lot of us have. Life at the moment with lockdown for a lot of people is extremely hard. For us in the West ATM is good and I am very grateful for that. Is there any one thing that you can do to treat yourself today (maybe have a hot shower or a relaxing soak in a bath) and then something positive that you can focus on, work towards to one day to make it a reality?  I know it's hard to accept, but it is up to you to meet your team at least half way there really is only so much that they can do. The rest is up to us.

Please keep reaching out on the forum, we do understand. Take care ❤️💐

[Historylover]

Perhaps, @RedHorse, my words will be inappropriate but I'd like to respond anyway.

Many of us here are feeling much the same - or variations of it.

I hear you say all the things you have going on in treatments, but I am not hearing how you live your life beyond that.

Do you have interests?  Can you muster up enough energy to investigate youtube - there are so many things there to interest us if we take the time to look around.  Learn new skills - crafts, general interest, sports, cookery, new subjects you've never looked at before.  Read a book.  

For me. I'm feeling my way - trying new things, failing here, failing there, still trying, and trying to understand others.  Relationships can be a minefield.  I honestly wonder how much better therapists do in their own private lives.  How can I be successful in my heartfelt endeavours?  

I'm alone too.  Completely.  But when I hear of the difficulties others have in their families and relationships, I think there may actually be benefits to being isolated as well as disadvantages.  I can please myself about everything.  It is certainly lonely but it gives us time to clear our minds, to rethink, to de-program from past self-destructive ways and relationships.

Perhaps you are in lockdown at the moment too.  Try online games?  Tidy your family albums, garden, grow herbs, try new recipes, read a book....  Tidy your home and make it attractive - a pleasant place to think, to live, to find a new direction.

Spruce yourself up and decide that it's worth the effort - always.  You're worth it.

Thinking of you.  Take care.

[RedHorse]

Thanks @Former-Member for your reply. You are absolutely correct in that I am very fortunate to have the support system I do and that it is ultimately up to me to make the changes I need to move forward. Unfortunately my living situation (basic off grid set up) doesn't allow for more than a 5 minute hand held shower once a week and I really, really miss the self care aspects of bathing/taking care of my personal hygiene etc BUT that's no excuse for wallowing in self pity I know. 

[Former-Member]

Oh that will be so hard for you, I wonder if you could get ndis funding or other support from your team to get a larger water tank installed? After all it is for your general health and well-being. In the mean time could you go to a leisure centre or pool for a swim and shower. 🌸🌷

[RedHorse]

Thanks @Historylover for your reply. It was appropriate and appreciated. I am indeed struggling with my sense of agency in life and feel I have lost all creativity, imagination and self determination following a severe depressive episode that saw me bedridden for months.  But I am up now and what has been lost I can surely find again!

You made several suggestions for activities that I can have a go at.

I live off the grid on the forest's edge which can be delightful but also means that the vast majority of my possessions are packed away in a shipping container and I don't have a household as such. That said, my living space could do with a good clean out and some serious organisation - I don't know what I have or where it is - and the dirt and disorganisation is a drain on me. Taking your approach I could apply myself to one or two tidying tasks each day and see results.

I have limited access to water, power, services etc so it's a camping kind of life for me - no actual kitchen or bathroom to speak of - again this was by choice. Like you, I find the isolation freeing in many ways. I am not complaining just noting that the lack of hot running water makes sprucing myself up a bit of a challenge, particularly in the winter. Again I must rise to the challenge and overcome.

I'm glad to hear that you are finding your way through. To tell the truth your focus and motivation along with @Former-Member's comments have inspired me just when I needed it most 😊

[RedHorse]

@Former-Member  Hmmmm definitely something to consider 🤔

[Historylover]

So nice to hear from you, @RedHorse.  You certainly are dealing with a lot of challenges.  I am currently without a kitchen and shower and although it has only been less than a fortnight, it would be very difficult to deal with that - and more - in the longer term.  Also, like you, for decades I had my possessions in storage - here in cartons, for me - and I had forgotten what I had.  Only recently I unpacked and sorted out for charity a great deal of the things which were no longer relevant to my life, and found all of the things I treasured.  It was heartening to see them again.  

Now, I am once again in upheaval while renovations are done to my rented unit, and hopefully we will soon be out of lockdown in Melbourne so they can get going again.

Depression and CPTSD is dreadful.  I am sorry to hear that you have suffered it too.  It certainly takes a lot out of us and our inner spark.

Living on the forest's edge does sound delightful, but of course would have its challenges.  But no hot running water?  That would be intolerable, especially in the cold weather.  Even in the hotter weather would be difficult.  You say you live there by choice.  Is it possible to move back to less restrictive living conditions elsewhere, or is it just something you want - or need?  

In the meantime - do have a good tidy up, re-organize everything and make your home as pleasant as you can.  It does make a difference to our mood.  Find some activities to occupy your mind and time.  Going for a walk might help too - especially in such a delightful environment. 

Because of my refurbishment, my possessions are all in the middle of the living area.  I have about a 45cm walkway around them on 3 sides and a metre and a half on the other.  I wasn't given much notice so hadn't had the time to think through where to place all of my essentials.  I am trying to do it day by day now - finding the correct box to start looking is a challenge though.

I was sorry to read your mood and your challenges.  What you had posted resonated very much with how I was feeling.  I have my ups and downs daily and am doing my best to keep afloat.  I just wish the wonderful people I have met on this forum were in my real world.  I am very isolated - not in a geographical sense, but in a human contact, relationship sense.  It's not good for our well-being, is it?  

It was wonderful to read your post and read that your mood had seemed to lift considerably from the first.

Take care.  It is wonderful to meet you.

P.S.   You do have an internet connection, don't you?

[frog]

Hello @RedHorse 

I just wanted to say that I read your post, and welcome to the forum.

You are not alone. There are lots of us here who have similar experiences.

I could relate to staying because of your beautiful daughter, feeling so alone and sad.

I try to look for small wins, any wins. Thinking of you.

[RedHorse]

Hi again @Historylover it was lovely to meet you too 🙋

There seems to be  some similarities with our living arrangements and MH experiences. Life is like navigating an obstacle course sometimes isn't it? Literally in your case with your possessions in boxes in the middle of your home. I don't know when I will see my things unpacked again but I have enough to get by and I try not to dwell on it.

I agree that the contacts on this forum are invaluable. I am so glad that I ceased lurking and finally expressed myself in a post, although I felt like a right whinger at the time. The acceptance and support I received definitely lifted my mood.

I must admit that I'm sitting up in bed typing this (I access the internet using mobile data on my phone) as it's blowing a gale outside. Yesterday I sat in the ute on my phone (strong winds then too). I'm aiming to get up,  dressed and outside but I am not going to beat myself up about it. 

I definitely need to do something (anything!) about the state of this caravan and my own self. I'm currently in a state of analysis paralysis trying to decide where to start. Finding a clean set of warm clothes sounds like a good place... Or I could just open a drawer or storage tub 🤷

I'm renting this bit of bush off a local farmer with the aim of living closer to nature and I'm kind of stuck here now. There just aren't any rentals available for someone on the disability pension - even though it is a guaranteed income source. But don't get me started on that topic.

I do have a gas camping shower with a small water tank set up round the back so I can have a short warm shower once a week. My self care has suffered more from my struggles with mood and motivation than my living conditions. Don't get me wrong I dream of a long, hot, relaxing soak in a tub but that's not an option just now.

I hope the renovations at your place are completed soon and that you find the things you need in the meantime.

Take care my friend, RedHorse.