Lived Experience Forum

[Gillie1]

I feel this immense pain in my heart and trauma in my body that sucks me down to oblivion very quickly.

I have people who care but...

the stress is too great for them,

or they don't get it, 

they just feel helpless to change anything,

or they just have their own crap to deal with.

I don't want to be around people when I feel this bad but I'm desperate for connection for someone to really get it at the same time. It doesn't matter how many people care, In essence, I face this journey alone.

I know I have to do my own mothering and comforting for myself but it's exhausting.

I don't want to adult.

I don't want to keep getting up each day and find something to keep myself going.

I don't want to have to manage my emotions all the time.

I don't want to keep fighting to live and be myself.

Someone called me brave the other day. That seems like B.S. to me I'm just doing what I have to do when there are no other options.

Life sucks and I'm angry with it tonight.

[tyme]

Hey @Gillie1 ,

It sounds very tough for you tonight. We hear how hard it is to navigate things at the moment.

We appreciate you sharing this with the community and hope you will find some connection on the forums. Please know you are not alone.

If you feel up to it, you may want to speak to one of our lovely counsellors. They are available now (10am-10pm AEDT Mon-Fri) on 1800 187 263.

We're here for you.

[Gillie1]

@tyme 

Thanks, Tyme for the offer and yes it would be good to connect on the phone with someone other than Lifeline but not tonight. Tonight I'm totally exhausted from managing myself today. Tonight the world is crap and there is no point. Tonight I just need a dummy spit. Tomorrow will be a new day. 

[tyme]

Hey @Gillie1 , and that's okay.

You do what you feel you are able. That's all anyone can ask. Sometimes, life is just full of ....

But yes, how great it is to know that tomorrow is a new day....a new page.....a new beginning.

Thank you for reminding me of that too.

[drlaurenharding]

Oh honey, I am here. Be angry, be sad, be helpless and hopeless, and just remember that you will get through this - this will pass. It won't be like this forever. You're in pain, and I know what that's like. Your kind heart doesn't want to burden others because you are right - everybody has their own struggles - but that doesn't diminish how you are feeling now. Feel it and lean into it - let that feeling express itself fully - and get angry - because it's not fair for anyone to feel that way. But know that you will not and cannot feel this way forever. Sometimes it is ok to not be positive, especially when you feel anything but positive!  I am hugging you from where I am, throwing plates at the wall and with you - I hope you feel more peaceful today.

[Kyle1]

@Gillie1 

Yes... Can totally relate. To everything you said.

it's morning now... You feeling the same still?

[Gillie1]

A good sleep is like a reset button sometimes.

I still have this day to plan for. Trying to plan for the best outcome. 

But coffee and YouTube is a good start.

[Gillie1]

Today has actually been pretty good so far considering. I woke up with an emotional hangover (not from alcohol just how I feel after letting my emotions out raw and emotionally fragile). So had a doona morning. Then my support worker and I went for a drive and she dropped me off at a good friend's for lunch we had a good yatter. I then walked home by myself and said hi to a close neighbour on the way.

I let my Support worker who has been through a lot with me be restrained and didn't catastrophize the scenario.

I created an opportunity to socialize with someone meaningful and safe for me in a way I could manage.

And I created a scenario where I had to push myself out of my comfort zone and walked home by myself and today it didn't feel like a big deal. Tomorrow it might again but that's ok.

Today was a win.

[Appleblossom]

Good to hear, today was better. @Gillie1 

Its can be variable what is a reasonable stretch.

Comfort zones are also variable.

I remember one of my better decisions 15 years ago, was to decide to take to my bed when i felt the need, rather than always push myself.  Each to his own.

[Gillie1]

@Appleblossom

I know before I gave myself permission to stay in bed I ended up curled up in bed a lot more. A morning was enough to keep me going plus I had someone to help me out and don't want to waste the opportunity.

Staying in bed and not occupying my brain can sometimes encourage my negative thoughts. It's working out what is right for today. Today going back to bed till 11 was enough. Tomorrow will be different.