Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

@26aqua @Former-Member @Snowie @Zoe7 @Anastasia 

I'm just going to tag everyone instead of individually. I can't deal with that. Words fail me now. I suppose I'm just done with everything. I'm emotionally numb. I don't attach myself emotionally to anything. I'm aware I've disconnected from reality, my body, my surroundings, people. If I dont have to talk to any person, I don't because I can't be bothered, and if I do talk to anyone, there is complete disconnection. I'm talking but no part of me is there nor feels anything. I'm aware that I'm not aware of time. The only time I cry is when I think about my ex and all that has happened. I think about everything regarding that every day all day. I'm doing many other things, it's just ever present. I usually just cry. 

If I go out, the minute I get home my blinds and door is kept shut to the outside world. I have no real interest. 

I've contacted her and I hate myself. No response in return. Received responses to mail here for her or practical matters. No responses to my vulnerability or expression of my feelings. Just complete nothing and then I spiral back down again into the black hole. People keep.saying abuse and naming it. I hear but I truly loved my girl with everything I had in me and more. I wanted to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. People say you will find someone else, you deserve better, and lots of other things I hear. What they don't understand is I don't think of those things. Why would I want to when I loved the way I loved. It's like a dishonoring of me and the relationship I was in, and the way I felt in my heart and soul every day. 

Yes, of course she hurt me often and tremendously. I'm not stupid. I have not forgotten. How can I explain what I felt inside of me and how I still feel.indide of me. I am going to stop contacting her. She has blocked my phone number. As I said she does not reply to my emails unless they are practical and I do not know where she lives. It's good that I don't because it's best if I stay away. 

I have organised some counselling. I don't feel anything about that. It's just robotic. 

The last three weeks since she's been gone has been nothing short of hell and then some. I was out today and for the first time since she left, I wanted to just be anywhere else but where I live. Everywhere I go we went together. I was more aware today she wasn't there with me. All the memories were there and I wished she was there with me. I even looked for her face thinking just maybe. I even looked to see if I could see her car in the car park. Then I wondered what would I even do or say. Shed probably just ignore me anyway. 

I wondered if I could stay in thus town after my lease is up. The town I love, the life I have built here. Where would I go, what would I do? The thought of bumping into her, not bumping into her is too much. I have even thought what if I see her with someone new, being happy with someone else when I wanted that someone to be me. 

I want to hate her and I can't. I've asked her if she us coming back to me ever or do I just moved on for good. I hate myself for that too. How stupid am I really? I was ignored in the relationship, I should not have expected a response at any time. I just thought that maybe with distance, a lot of maybes but nevertheless disordered thinking. 

I know I'm messed up in my head and heart. I live with that every single day. I know because Im living it and I just know. 

I don't know how I'm going to end up but I know that I will never be the same again. 

I may never understand how she could give up on everything we had, and give up on me and us. Maybe she lost sight of everything and just forgot. Or maybe she just didn't care anymore and it was no longer in her heart like it was in mine. 

[Anastasia]

Hugs @Powderfinger 

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain 😭😔🤗

[26aqua]

Hi @Powderfinger 

I hear your pain, your struggles. Its going to be hard, counselling, but I'm hopeful for you. I understand the numb feeling you describe. The emptiness. 

Break ups are intense for me also. I grieve intensely for the relationship, for the person, for what I lost. It becomes consuming, its all I think about. I understand. 

I understand if you dont want to hear this, but it has been helpful for me of late; mindfulness. It is something I have to make time for and make myself do. I usually just do a 3-4 min body scan if nothing else. I often get distracted but I keep trying. Sometimes it helps me to focus on what my body feels physically, and then allows me to relax into another activity. 

I do understand it can feel pointless to even try. I get that, I often ask myself how is this even helping - it has changed nothing. But I also have been able to come back into the present moment by practicing this mindfulness - I read you are feeling very disconnected, in alot of ways. Is mindfulness something you could or have been trying? The smiling mind app is actually really great for this, if and when you are ready. 

If only these were magic words, rewrite history and erase all our pains. 

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. 

[Snowie]

Hi @Powderfinger 

I hope today has been a little better for you.

Thinking of you 

[Zoe7]

@Powderfinger You are very aware of how you are feeling and also some unhelpful things you are doing in relation to your ex. She is making it quite obvious that she is not open to any kind of relationship and that is very hurtful with all your history together but it also is a clear indication that she does not feel the same as she once did. Revisiting that for you is continuing to add to the pain and also no doubt you are questioning everything you once shared - and that is very hard. Unfortunately you may never get the answers you need from her and that is something you will need to find your own way through. I am plesaed to see you have organised some counselling - it may just be going through the motions for now but hopefully in time it will help you to both work through your present thoughts and emotions and begin to move forward again. I do know that is easier said than done - especially in the dark place you are presently. I have seen elsewhere that you have seriously considered moving out when your lease is up - I think that is a good idea so you are not constantly surrounded by all those past memories and times you had together. Moving from a town you love is an idea but also weigh up what you would miss by doing that and what you would gain - that is a big decision to make either way. Looking out for her and wondering if you will run into her is natural - maybe work with your counsellor on what you would do if that scenario arose. Above all though - look after yourself first, maybe make small goals each day to achieve - spend time in your shed, even the simple things like showering or preparing a meal ...they may seem insignificant but the little things are important too.

[Former-Member]

@Powderfinger  What a beautiful heart you have.  I really hope that you meet someone who will give you the same depth of love and loyalty That you have given to someone else.  There are so many people in this world who would love to have someone like you in their life.  Please don't give up on yourself or looking for love.  Your ex. Is now just that an Ex.  Now is the time to put all that energy and love you have into yourself. You deserve it. If you don't learn to love yourself others won't either.

Take care and enjoy the journey