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Re: not feeling good

Sorry to hear that about the friend @BlueBay Smiley Sad Sounds though like she was the bother and a nuisance, she didn't think of how you were feeling! It's okay to not have a life plan, sometimes just starting with a clean slate each day is what we need, other times it helps to have a direction so we don't feel lost. When you think about things in your life, what goals would you set? Better boundaries with Huffnpuff? More alone time so you can clear your mind? Even setting a small goal like "today I'll go for a walk and have 15 minutes to myself by the water" is a goal, it's not how far in the future or how grandiose the goal is that counts, and with every small goal we tick off our list, we gain momentum and self esteem to take on the next one. Remember all the good you do for others, you are valued and loved (especially here on SANE, where a lot of us really appreciate your words of support, your updates and your friendship) Heart Tomorrow is a new day and you can start fresh.

Re: not feeling good

Thanks @Ali11 for your support. You’re right st the moment my life plans are to just get through one day at a time. And some days it’s hour by hour. 

Its too hard to even think about the future. Yeah my life plans would be better communication with hubby. And yes boundaries too. 

Its hard when you hear others talk about their grand plans and what they’re going to do and then there’s me who is just coping with trying to get through a day. I feel I have nothing to look forward to in the future. 

 

 

Re: not feeling good

Hi @BlueBay 

 

I'm sorry your night out turned into a visit with a witch - you didn't need that right now - yes - I hear you - you were battling all day everyday for a while and going out with friends must have been a moment you could have enjoyed but your so-called friend - whom I think you have mentioned before - was there

 

And you felt rotten - she seemed to take over the conversation but there is a possibility that she did that because she is envious of you: maybe her internal dialogue was something like

 

 "I wish I was more like BlueBay - she is so quiet and peaceful and listens - she is so self-contained and doesn't seem to need me - she has a beautiful family - and her hair looks so pretty as if she just came from the salon - I feel jealous of her and find I say nasty things to her - I wish I could be more like her"

 

You don't know but some of that might be the case - cause she doesn't know you at all - but she wants things to be all about her so it's really hard to tell.

 

Having something to look forward to is important -  we all need that - and having some plan about our lives even it is very simple and just for the day ahead. You have achieved a lot - you work, you have a nice home and a wonderful family, and you keep your house as tidy and maintain order as much as possible with your kids around and little A. Maintaining your marriage too which is really hard work. Personally I think you are bloody marvellous

 

My plan is so simple - I want to live the rest of my life alone and keep as healthy as possible - I have enough to keep myself entertained and interested and eat a healthy diet and walk when I can which isn't as often as I like. Life is so much better than it was when I was younger and I did have so much stress during my middle life I wonder how I manage to keep my happy face but here we are and I am not a bubbly person - I am a nerd probably but those labels are not my problem.

 

The first thing to plan is to have time to yourself everyday - my plan is to get out and find some social life every day - our lives are what they are and defined a lot by the other people in them but we do need to have time to ourselves and some social time as well

 

And learned to please ourselves because there is a chance no one else will

 

You are so much better than you were when you were Sad Girl - I haven't been able to find the posts when you and I were first in the forum family but I remember - you seem to be more defined about your life now and your writing is much better - it's hard for you to see yourself as we do - and you are very honest with us

 

Just keep plugging away - sometimes life is one day at a time - sometimes it's 20 minutes at a time - I hear you

 

Dec

 

Re: not feeling good

@Owlunar @Ali11 @Gazza75 @Meowmy @Shaz51 

I hate when co-workers go off in a corner and exclude me in the conversation. This has happened more than once snd I hate it. I know they were discussing the pharmacist because we talked about her last night. Why couldn’t they include me? Yes one of them is my “friend” which I’m starting to think is nit my friend. I don’t need people around me that better themselves and go overboard with their words. She’s so over the top. 

 

It’s my youngest sons birthday today. He’s 23. And have a guess what he wants for dinner. Home made pasta. I haven’t made pasta for over 10 years. But he’s made the sauce and will help me when I get home. He a great kid. 

@Owlunar  I’ll get back to your post later on. 

 

 

 

 

Re: not feeling good

Gee @BlueBay 

 

I remember those catty girls at school who could get into a bitchy little bunch and gossip - and then a couple of times at work - 

 

Really - and please believe me - you are better than them - too good for them really - they don't ask you because they see you as a kinder and more responsible person. They only want to build themselves up by trying to bring other people down - I have seen it all before and it's brings a nasty taste to my mouth thinking about people like them

 

Your youngest is 23 today - wow - Happy birthday to him - and what were you doing 23 years ago today - you have great kids - they didn't just turn out that way - you were a good mother - and what a fantastic bunch of kids you have -

 

You are making pasta from scratch - we all have our gifts - making pasta is not something I have ever done - I don't think I have ever eaten it -  what a brilliant cook you are - you don't give yourself enough credit

 

You go girl

 

Dec

Re: not feeling good

Your youngest is 23 today - wow - Happy birthday to him - and what were you doing 23 years ago today - you have great kids - they didn't just turn out that way - you were a good mother - and what a fantastic bunch of kids you have - I agree with @Owlunar , my sister @BlueBay , you are a wonderful mum Smiley Very Happy

have you got a pasta maker @BlueBay xxxx

Re: not feeling good

Hi @Owlunar @Shaz51 

Thanks for your kind words.

yeah I have an old pasta machine. I haven’t used it for a very long time, years. 

I’m not sure how the pasta will be. I’ll let you know. 

Yesh 23. I remember thst day so clearly. It was a really bad week. My FIL died from a massive heart attack on the Friday night. We had the funeral Tuesday and I gave birth on Thursday. All in one week. It was one roller coaster of emotions. And my MIL was living with us from then. I also think I had a bit of depression back then. The other kids were 4 snd 3 and a newborn. Also having hubby home for 5 years as he had arthritis and couldn’t find work. And his mum also. Gosh I was crazy. 

Those people at work don’t deserve me as their friend anymore. I’m so over it. 

Now I just go to work serve the customers, do my job and not really talk to them. 

Snd tbis is prob why I was so alone at school. 

I suppose looking back now I do have some resentment towards mil and hubby for having her with us. 

But it happened and I can’t get that time  back. 

 

I just wznt to live live a happy healthy life. I really would love my mental health to be much better and really not have BPD behaviour or thoughts. 

 

I know I write a lot in here. Maybe I need to stop. 

I just feel thst msybe people have had enough about my life. 

I just wish I could get a break from this crazy life. 

Anyway does this so called friend know how hard it’s been to live with a mil for 20 years. She has no empathy on my mental health always saying “I need to let it go”. 

I better stop I’m getting angry now. 

 

Re: not feeling good

Wow - @BlueBay 

 

2 small children, a new born, your husband underfoot and your MIL - that is huge - no wonder the crowded house gets to you

 

And you are too good for your work mates - I have to think about your post - nothing unusual - but all of this explains so much

 

And why not write here? You are dealing with a lot - but I will write later

 

Dec

Re: not feeling good

Hi @BlueBay 

 

I was just sitting here thinking about your post and wow - I grew up in a similar situation - Gran (Mum's mother) lived with us, there were three of us and we lived at a police station and through my more mature years I have wondered about the wisdom in all of that and it was just life for me but maybe my mother was battling like you - I have thought about it a lot and yes - I get what you are saying and alas - it's true - you can't get those years back but would you want to?

 

You are entitled to your feelings about that time - resentment is tough though and tends to hang around like a dark cloud - somehow you have to let it go - but that's easier said than done and I understand

 

I understand about mother-in-laws - mine was a widow too but she had her own place - she interferred though and I was not at all even tempered about it - she would ring me up and tell me that it was my responsibility to get my husband to work on time - I would snap at her and tell her it was my responsibility to get myself to work on time and I started earlier and earned more - it would have been World War 3 if she had lived with us - I really get it - 

 

It does explain your husband's learned helplessness though - having his mother around wouldn't exactly help him discover his own abilities - and I know you had your mother running your show too so yes - I hear you - too many fingers in the family pie - it's really hard to be independent with too many people - a young couple needs to work out their lives alone

 

And all this is truth - what can you do about it now - nothing really - that's what all the previous years contained and the only way is to go forward. 

 

You are holding onto so much sorrow. Too much. It's  like a personal dark cloud following you around and raining whenever it feels like it. Of course you are sick to death of your BPD and depression and medication and lack of financial security. You want to cry ENOUGH and walk away from it all - disappear - you are scarred deep inside

 

But it is what it is - sadly - and I understand. You can't change the past but you do know what you want - you just wrote it - you want to be free of all of that - the past and  your MI - and those are your goals. 

 

You are trying to find yourself in all the memories that are so overpowering - but they are memories - not today - yes - there is a residue - that's what you can work on - refusing to help Huffnpuff with his OCD and learned helplessness - which you are working on - and working on finding out who you are - you are doing that all the time.

 

Your plans for the future don't have to be huge - but they have to be your plans - you are already working on so much of this all the time and yes - you do have to let go of it but as I said - that is harder than it sounds and I know

 

DecHeart

Re: not feeling good

Hi @Owlunar @Shaz51 @Meowmy @Ali11 @Gazza75  @Former-Member 

my blood is 170/110. My doctor wants me to have a 24 hr monitor next Tuesday. I’m feeling light headed and not good. 

I think it’s all stress. And today at work when I told my pharmacist about it my so called friend said “oh are you stressing about anything”. I replied “the usual stuff”

i can’t reply to your post @Owlunar  right now. I don’t feel good. 

 

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