Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[M_Wendy]

I am more than nervous to be doing this, but I feel I need someone to talk to.

Short version.  Separated mother, started a new relationship just over a month ago, with a man who I have been friends with for a couple of years. An amazing, supportive friendship developed through like situations, newly separated, single parent etc.  After we, with a group of friends  had a family holiday together, we realised there was more then friendship. Started up a realtionship, filled with excitement and anticipation for a future together. We knew each other so well, and everything seemed to be falling into place for us. 

I knew he had suffered from depression and anxiety in the past, he's had a pretty rough life, lots of loss and despair, all things we had talked about in he past. A couple of weeks ago he injured himself at work, and told me he was feeeling pretty down.  Went to his GP to talk through it, and continued to sink lower.  Much to his dread, he received a Bipolar diagnosis, he said he knew it was coming.

We've gone from messaging each other all day long, to me hardly hearing from him, him not wanting to leave his house or go to work.  I dont know what to do to help him? And I guess I wonder whether me being his life is adding more pressure to his life.  He isn't close to his family and has only told one friend, who is also Bipolar, about it all.  He has started mood stabilisers and has made contact with a psycholgist.

I love this man, and see a future with him and his son.

I dont even know what I am asking, just need to talk about it. So stressed, worried and upset.

[Appleblossom]

it sounds as if you really do care about this man.

With most of the people I know who have had successful repartnering experiences ... respecting each other's space has been important.

Maybe he is needing solitude to process his new diagnoses and does not want to drag you down.  After relationships settle there is often less busy interaction .. texting etc .. but there still can be deep and meaningful exchanges.

Take care of you during this period  ... talk about ... space and togetherness .. and see how things develop .. slowly and steadily.

[M_Wendy]

Thank you for replying!! I needed a reply.

I do care about him a lot and his son too. And I know he feels the same about me and my girls.
I think he's fearful of hurting us during this process, which I understand. He said he can feel himself pushing me away not on purpose but he knows he's pulled back. He is worried about dragging me into this.
I've told him if he needs space that I'm happy to give him that but at the same time want to be there to support him, I won't walk away and leave him to deal with it on his own.
He is my friend first and foremost. I want to be there for him. I just don't know the best way how to be.

[Lunar]

Hi @M_Wendy,

A warm welcome from me to the forums, thank you so much for sharing your story.

From what you wrote it sounds like you have a very strong sense of connection to this man and you care about him a lot and you seem very understanding of where he is at currently with his mental health.

I think giving him space is a really good thing but also checking in on him just to let him know you care and want to help would also be important for him as he would need all the support he can get right now.

Keep doing what you feel is right for him with keeping in mind what is helpful for your relationship and for you, all of that can be hard to juggle.... So keep us updated, and take care of yourself while you aren't hearing back from him, are you getting some good support for yourself right now?

Lunar

[M_Wendy]

Thanks @Lunar

I'm trying to be understanding, been reading up a lot, so I have some sort of understanding of what he's going through and what might lie ahead. Feel like educating myself is the best thing I can do right now.

Feels like a fine line between smoothering him and/or giving him too much space, but am trying to find that happy medium.

I don't have any support at this point, he is reluctant to tell anyone, and a lot of my close friends know him.  I did speak to a removed friend last night, cause I just needed an ear and a cry. I am conscious of not breaking his trust though. Part of the reason I signed up here.  Feeling very isolated and alone in regards to it all at the moment.

[Lunar]

Hi @M_Wendy,

That is really great that you are reading and educating yourself, I can only imagine how tough it is seeing him this way and not knowing whether you are smothering him or giving him too much space. Sometimes there is no right way but if your intentions are to be supportive then that is all you can do for now.

I am concerned that you have a lack of support right now and don't want to break his trust by talking to certain friends, it is good that you have a friend to talk to and have a cry with. It might be worth looking at some options for more support if you feel you need more and that way you can help cope with his mental health concerns better. It is really good that you are reaching out here for support.

Lunar

[M_Wendy]

Thanks @Lunar

I too am concerned that I have no support. I'm a talker when it comes to things, and feel like I'll be bottling this up. 

[Lunar]

Hi @M_Wendy,

That must be hard if you usually like to talk these things out, are your friends able to provide support without telling your partner? Maybe if you told them how much you don't want to break his trust, sounds difficult and risky but they might be able to respect yours and his wishes considering the circumstances and how tough things are for you right now?

Hope you are doing something nice for yourself this weekend ❤️

Lunar

[M_Wendy]

Thanks @Lunar

Definitely something to think about.  

Hope you have a nice weekend too. 🙂

[M_Wendy]

So my biggest worry came to light, an unexpected knock on the door. My BF came and told me he couldn't do it anymore. That our relationship is causing him guilt and stress. That he's worried about hurting me and my girls.
Much discussion, tears, hugs. He was an absolute mess. Said he's feeling so much guilt for all the things he's done wrong in his life that never cared about before.
Told him that even if we can't be together I want to be his friends through this. That I want to support him.
We talked about still spending time together and me wanted to call me anytime he needs me. I said that as much as I want him as a partner, if I can't have that, I want him as a friend.
So here lies the problem, we then had sex. We laid around afterwards for ages talking and chatting as usual. I felt that closeness to him that I have the whole time I've been with him. Then he said he wanted to spend today with me.
I'm so confused. On one hand I am heartbroken that he ended 'us' but on the other my hopeful side thinks he obviously still wants me in his life. He said to me when we were laying in bed that it's the emotional pressure of the relationship that he's struggling with and the fact he's letting me, my girls and our friends that know down. I don't what to think or do.