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pup3
New Contributor

My story!

Hi,

I am new to Australia, grew up in a small country with an addict father (he became one when I was 13) and a passive mother - she didn't know how to handle it. Due to that, I took on the responsibility to hold my family together, became a parent for my sister and mum, and I recently decided to cut communication with my dad since he was not apologetic and never realised the results of his actions. My parents split when I was 18.  I am not emotionally stable and I blame myself for almost everything, fearing that I will end up like my parents.

I left my country when I was 18 to study (got a scholarship due to my parents wasting all the family funds - on his addiction), graduated in 2018 and since then I am trying to find myself by travelling the world, quitting jobs and being in unstable situations that feel comfortable since that's all I ever known. I had many failed relationships (3 of them being the most traumatic ones - with one physically abusing me and the other one emotionally which made me lose all hope in humans). I believe that this has to do with how I was treated growing up, in a hostile environment - neglected and abandoned. I also cannot stay in one country for long (I feel trapped).

I am struggling now, since I met a very nice guy that I believe brings out the best in me but I have many doubts and thinking of ending it. I always feel like that when things get serious.

I know I am trying to jeopardise everything and pressuring myself to decide if he is worth my effort, even if I don't know what's going to happen in the future (my coping mechanism is to feel in control, hence forcing myself to decide). My trust issues do not allow me to just go with the flow and I feel like I am drowning. He knows about everything, he is very supportive and listens to me. Why do I still feel like that?

Also, quarantine doesn't help my situation, since I am an extrovert and an overthinker. Any help/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

Thank you in advance 

3 REPLIES 3

Re: My story!

Hi @pup3 and welcome to the forum Smiley Very Happy

 

I can relate to a lot of what you said - especially about the trust issues and wanting to end things when they seem to be going well. A lot of my issues were similar with an abusive childhood and a DV relationship. Any subsequent attempts to form another relationship I ended pretty quickly - especially when things seemed to be going well. I never trusted that it would work out or that I would not again be subjected to the same abuse so for me it was easier to end things before that happened again. When you have had more than one abusive relationship it feels like a pattern that will continue to happen even when things are seemingly okay. 

 

One of the hardest things in life - and especially for those who have suffered various forms of abuse - is to trust anyone. But it is also only us who can break that pattern. Letting part of ourselves be vulnerable is extremely hard but for any relationship to be a true partnership that is what we need to do. That also means allowing some of that 'control' to be let go of in order to compromise and grow as a couple. That is so very hard but to have equal and shared experiences together also requires a little give and take. It seems that this person in your life is willing to both learn and support you - and you have already dropped that guard that many abuse survivors have to let him in - so maybe it is not about 'is it worth the effort' but about you working out your true feelings for him and what you want out of the relationship. They are really tough questions to ask yourself but if you are true to yourself about them then maybe you can work on things in baby steps in order to move forward. The future is never know but we can have in our lives things and people that both bring out the best in us and make us happy - and the future will then take care of itself.

Tay
Senior Contributor

Re: My story!

Welcome to SANE and Australia,

 

personally I've not experienced this but my husband has. He self sabotages - if things are going great - he feels like he doesn't deserve it (he was a child of an addict and his father was killed when he was 8).  It's difficult to change the way you feel - but if you have a supportive partner during this isolation, try to accept his good intentions. After everything you've been through accept his support . It is difficult I know but please allow yourself to be treated kindly. One quote comes to mind - don't let your past control your future - easier said than done I know. You sound very knowledgeable and have insight.

do you have a psychologist? 

Re: My story!

Hello @pup3 . Welcome to the forum and to Aus! I hope you are feeling better. It must be difficult to establish support for yourself in a new country and with the restrictions enforced by COVID 19. 
I am also in a new relationship and having difficulty with my own trust issues and childhood trauma. It can be rewarding to open up to someone who is trustworthy and willing. I can't say whether to stay or go, but I really hope that you find the strength, courage and clarity that you need in your decision making and that you also find trust in yourself. 

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