Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

I can relate to so much of what you are saying @Snowdrop .... it has been a 5 -6 year journey for us ..... husband rather than son .... and it does chase you around and around in mental circles like a rat in a treadmill, as you have said ....

There is also no "one solution fits all" .... so, as with our situation, you will probably tailor your coping methods by degrees and work out which parts are for side-stepping ... under which circumstances to call .... when to draw closer and when to pull back .....

If you look through many of the other threads you will find that there are often several pages of lengthy posts, for that reason ..... it provides an unburdening to begin with .... and there is something about trying to explain your situation to others that causes you to have to organise it, and describe it in a way that can also provide you with a new perspective, and perhaps a greater clarity about how you want to manage things.

There will be a repeating of the circumstances, and so a repeating in your posts to some degree, but it's like that for all of us ....

Here for you.

🌷💜

[Snowdrop]

Well you hear my two steps backwards (and no doubt will for some time to come) so I feel you should hear my one step forwards............

As mentioned in my previous posting I had had a disagreement with my son over the phone. I didn't say in the posting what it was but he had been going on about his siblings and how he would not be coming up for Christmas if his siblings were going to be here and he would never come up if they were here.

 It made me feel bad because I had hoped he had calmed down with them after his last disagreement when he (in his words) officially divorced himself from them. Anyway as he is talking I am thinking that I don't want to hear it all again and I started to talk over him - which is when he got angry with me and put the phone down.

I just sent a text to him saying 'I'm sorry X' - reason behind that being I do tend to overtalk when I feel a disagreement might occur - this is something that drives all my children to distraction and in some cases I am well aware makes things worse (as it did yesterday).

Anyway I didn't hear from him yesterday so of course my heart is in my shoes.

But then I just received a text saying 'Nothing to be sorry about, we are trying to reduce one medication and it is making me a bit touchier than usual'.

So heart back where it should be and hence my one step forward   

[Faith-and-Hope]

Glad to hear it @Snowdrop .... and I think you will find it just as valuable to share the successes as well as the heart-in-your-shoes moments ....

😊💕

[Snowdrop]

Thank you Faith-and-Hope, the return posts are what make me come back. I don't have friends to talk to and this is the closest I am able to get to talk about the issues and not feel my son and I are being judged, and hopefully get some hints, ideas, thoughts, feedback.

I appreciate you reading my posts. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

You're feeling the value of the forums @Snowdrop ..... 

I'll tag you from the virtual cafe where you can come and meet some others p, and just chat a bit .... sometimes it helps to take the edge of a rough day.

btw .... love your avatar .... 😊

[Snowdrop]

Well just to get you up to date. I had a couple of good (to me) days with my son. Short conversations - which I purposely enginered thinking that I should cut the conversations short (in a nice way), while he was sounding somewhat positive and I hadn't yet put my foot in it - as I so so often do. 

Of course I still heard about what his issues were but I felt pleased that I was able to not sound uptight, defensive or judgemental. And when he did make some judgemental comments I was able to make a more generalised comment, and only felt midly unwell,  rather than become defensive and feel really sick and destressed.  Only once did my heart end up half way between my chest and my feet - so I counted that a definite plus.

I don't expect this to continue, but because I am about 10 years into this struggle with my son, I am grateful for every little achievement.

I also have to say that it does help to  make my comments here. I don't have anyone I can talk to, so being able to write the good and bad does make a difference.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Snowdrop

It has made a real difference with my coping ability to cope, to do just that - be able to chat about the good days and the bad days - and just feel supported and understood.

Good on you ....

🌷💜

[Snowdrop]

I'm back. The last week has not been too bad and I've managed to side step a few issues by not jumping in - so in effect I am trying to help him calm down by my being calm, thereby not adding to his stress levels which agrevate his depression.

He rang today and his car is playing up and he thinks he should get a new one. I asked him to put it on hold for as long as possible because he is already paying some debts off - It adds to his depression/anxiety knowing he has got in debt and he is trying really hard to pay it off a little at a time - which I am really pleased about. So I said pay your other debts off first and then get the car. He knows on one level that that is correct but he is now buying trouble for himself because he is worried his car will completely pack up and on and he needs his car for work. Plus someone has offered him a good deal on a car.

I stuck to my guns and said that in my opinion he should finish paying off his debts, keep his fingers crossed that his car lasts and then when he is free of these debts then get a car.

We finished off sort of ok - although he sounded disappointed. Now I am left feeling  he might sink into depression over it. I realise I am buying trouble before it comes and I know it is nothing compared to the problems that some people on this forum have - I know I should count myself lucky that this is all it is. But what bothers me is that minor as it is it is capable of sending him into a downward spin - of course it may not ....... he may just get anxious over it.

So I feel stressed over it. Not over whether he buys a car but whether his worries over his car problems and owing money might mix together and negate the little achievement that he has made with a slight change of medication.

I need to breathe deeply and try and destress. Maybe this time I am stressing over nothing -  but 10 years of turmoil keep you on a constant expectation of things going wrong.

Thank you for listening.

[pip]

Hi @Snowdrop. You really are taking responsibility for his problems. I know, he's your son, you're concerned etc. My two have just had the row to end all rows. I am an alcoholic, I haven't had a drink for some time now. I have just finished a stint on jury service. I came home early the other night, we wrapped up the case and were dismissed. Because I didn't ring my daughter immediately, she decided I got drunk. this caused all sorts of trouble. Her and her brother are not speaking. I have decided to stay right out of it, the family is getting together over the weekend to 'thrash' it out, but, bottom line, my daughter was wrong, I still love her, but she needs to take responsibility for her actions. What I'm trying to say here is: okay your son has MI. If you can see him, not as your son, but as a person, look at the other side of the coin. He is holding down a job, he has a car with problems, he would like a new, reliable car. You have offered him your opinion, whether he takes it is his choice. If he decides to 'bite' the bullet and get another car - again, his choice. Either way, no matter what he decides, you are going to continue stressing. Obviously his car has some serious issues if he is considering getting another one. Perhaps it might be an idea to suggest he get some financial advise. There are places he can go which will offer advice for budgeting etc. If he wants a new car, he may have to apply for a loan. To apply, he will have to fill out forms explaining his financial circumstances. Once he has done this, whoever he sees for the loan will put him right on whether he can comfortably buy a new car. When I say 'new' I mean 'new' for him. Second-hand cars can be fairly reliable, but he may have to consider getting it checked for roadworthiness etc.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks for the comments Pip. I am well aware I am taking on his problems. I am an eldest child of a large family who had a violent father, all my life (from about 5 years old) was spent trying to deflect trouble from happening - making sure little ones were in bed on time so the noise level was down, side tracking conversations when I saw they were heading where they would affect my father, going to school early with my siblings to get them out of the house, getting out of the house so no-one could say or do anything that would cause trouble, finishing meals from siblings so my dad would see no waste, saying I had done something and grovellingly apologizing rather than hearing my dad start on a younger sibling who hadn't yet learned to be quiet, and in the end all of it coming back to my mum who suffered the most. As I write that and think back - I realise that even as a small child I was acting (in a way) as a carer of my mum.

I have tried to sit back and let things take their course and not jump in and 'solve' things because I know - particularly in my son's case, but also with his siblings - that this so often backfires, and instead of calming troubled waters I cause issues.

I wish I could say that my children will either sort things out - or never speak to each other again, and so what, they are all adults - just let them get on with it.  I wish I could say - well my son asked my opinion and I gave it, now its up to him to do what he thinks and if he gets into more debt then................. But I know that when as a child I tried to 'make things better' so that my dad would not spiral into a temper, so with my son do I 'try to make things better' . Unlike my father though who only had a lousy temper which could easily come and go - my son's problems do not 'come and go'. He has been depressive for 10 years non stop. For a while things might be ok, not good but ok, then for some reason it all goes pear shaped, medication is changed, upped or downed and I ride the roller coaster with him. Unlike with his siblings where, if we have a disagreement I can put the phone down and know they will get over it. With him I know what could happen and that frightens me. I also worry as I get older who will he have when I am no longer here?

Believe me I would love to not be on edge all the time and trying to help him solve his problems himself without him thinking I am turning him away. I would love to not worry whether his medication is still holding strong, and if not if he will be able to get to his doctor/psychiatrist before symptoms get too bad. To hear your adult son crying because of his issues, or to hear him in a temper because he feels everything is against him and you sit and listen hour after hour and you have no idea how to make any of it slightly better, and you don't see an end in sight!

No answer I know but I appreciate being able to put thoughts down without being judged. Thank you.