Lived Experience Forum

[PoodlePig]

That is so relatable in ways. Getting caught up on the past so it messes up the present and future. In a past life I left all the friends I made over the course of 2 years at uni because I felt like a constant burden but also some of those friends treated me badly. I needed to restart my life so I left. But then in the new life I went through way worse but had to way to leave because I was under a lot of pressure to perform. I am happy I got through but I suffered so much and now I feel dead. My faith in the world has been destroyed because everyone I know betrays me in the end and no one really cares about me and when I talk about why I’m so traumatised and act out they just get annoyed cos of the inconvenience so I’m back to feeling unappreciated. Usually the people closest to you suck because you know more about what bullshit they try to put on you. That’s why I don’t really get too close to anyone. I don’t recommend tho but it can be good to take some time to yourself so you can figure out how to fix things cos when other people help you they generally want you to serve a purpose for their goals. Wishing you all the best.

[tyme]

I hear you @PoodlePig - there is such a fine line between trusting people and getting hurt.

I've raised this with my psychologist in the past. I think, long story short, it came down to: if you want relationships, you need to be ready to be hurt. 

I'm sure he doesn't mean allowing yourself to be abused, but more along the lines of being ready to take risks?

Please look after yourself @PoodlePig .

I hope you find some connection here on the forums.

tyme

[Lookinginspace]

Thanks for the reply.  I'm sorry it took so long to reach out again.  I'm just like that unfortunately.  It's like I only have so much in the tank and memory bank. Writing reminders just overwhelms me when I can't muster the motivation. It's why I called myself Lookinginspace, I'm in some kind of zone but not here on Earth!  And yes the same issues with friends.  I assign expectations of them and myself that are just not real. The unreal person is yet to fully land in my life and may never.  We can't be all things to all people as they say and vice versa but I do treasure certain people and feel utterly lost when they are totally self absorbed and don't remember I'm alive but I expect they might feel the same about me too sometimes. However I'm there when they need me and I can't say that is what I can expect of them...sadly.

[Lookinginspace]

Thanks..I'll tag you.  Honestly I do write a lot, in the form of poems.  The trouble with mental illness is a feeling of being disconnected from everyone and everything.  Maybe I'm not really but the mindset tells me I'm in my own world.

[tyme]

Hi @Lookinginspace ,

Happy to see you back. We have missed you.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I'm sure others have felt a similar way.

I hope you will feel trust and connection here on the forums.

tyme

[Lookinginspace]

Wow. I think it would kind of be amazing to know what everyone is really thinking and feeling.  I'm often told I'm just imagining that "Hell is other people" quote Sartre. I think my personality is flawed or broken because I've always been an introvert and shy and sensitive, leading into depression and anxiety.  Maybe there really is only so much people can deal with and vice versa.  I'm trying hard to accept it but I always end up feeling sorry for myself. Guess I think I'm somehow entitled to be important to someone in a big way outside of my family. But..is that really how it works? I asked a friend once, another in a long line that is moving away from South Australia over the years.  She said that everyone has to follow their path but she plans to keep in touch and wants me to visit.  I think we're closer as she is going through tremendous grief and has also had a lot of problems leading to deep depression and anxiety.  Someone more 'balanced" id lose or end up as a fringe dweller in their lives, very likely.  Perhaps I'm totally off base and there's no such thing and we're just such complex beings that it's kind of chemistry that brings us together.

[Lookinginspace]

Hello

This is absolutely wonderful advice.  I'm not good at self help. This is a leap for me. I've tried a lot over the years but I think I might simply have to be the best I can and that's all. I have up and down periods but not the Bipolar type..less intense.  I was building up some equilibrium when the sudden death of a friend's son, who went to school with my eldest daughter, simply destroyed me. It has been 6 months and I haven't left the couch after work.  Nothing cuts through it.  Teo of my friends have recently lost a child...this is something I fear most in life. I don't know if I could live through it as they have.  I've lent my support but i wonder sometimes if it's also survivor guilt....Again..GUILT.  I can't handle this random life. I'm an ant, just get it over with and squash me!

[Lookinginspace]

Thanks...it's just so damn hard to change anything...I keep resetting to default.  If you need me, I'm here.

[Lookinginspace]

It's nice not to be so alone with my dark thoughts..really appreciate your support and I hope I can reciprocate.

[tyme]

Very interesting @Lookinginspace - I'm not sure I want to to know what EVERYONE is feeling or thinking. I think I'm too sensitive. 

But then again, but hypersensitivity means "it's kind of chemistry that brings us together."

So glad I got to speak to you, 

tyme