BPD girlfriend, Old partner favourite

[Former-Member]

Hi,

I will tag @BPDSurvivor  as they know the history of the last post I made. I have been with my girlfriend for now nearing 3 months. I think I sound like a broken record at this point feeling unsure and sometimes mildly unhappy with her. We have gotten through some hard times already in a very new relationship. Still... we have talked and been able to resolve most things so far. I think there are some small things I have learned to see in her during a moment which has helped me know how to deal with the situation on a small scale, i.e her going quiet during a moment/anxiety attack

She has been through some significant trauma, and this week marks a year since her ex partner(female) split with her. It has impacted her in a very heavy way, and she has bailed on meeting me several times in a couple of weeks. I know it's extremely unrelated and unlikely to add to her current quietness, but I also have been dealing with what has appeared to be a UTI/STI issue, which we have both 99% been cleared of on both sides now for 3 weeks, but the lack of intimacy has not helped the situtation. It's still unresolved though so we have had to not be active...for a while. Besides this, I asked her to ring me last night after her work shift. and she was not in a good way, I asked her to be honest and she revealed she was having a very hard time dealing with recurring feeling with her Ex who has cut her out of all aspects of her life for now a year. I was at a loss of how to comfort her and said several things that were probably more unhelpful...i.e, "she may have found it easier for both of you to cut ties to move on", and the worst thing I could suggest, and I knew it as I was saying it but I was desperate to make my partner happy, but I suggested if I contacted the ex, and just ask if she was ok. I said there doesn't have to be any communication between her or the ex, but I can just check in on her, as a third party(albeit a biased third party...yes bad idea).

Anyway, it was agreed we shouldn't do that, probably for the best..but she bailed once again this morning on hanging out. I know I am always happy to give her space..and her me, and that's never been an issue. She also mentioned recently she was watching a TV show where romance was involved, and how she feels dead inside, and that someone like her doesn't deserve romance. Covid, and my current situation with my sexual health has made me very mentally and phyiscally exhausted and I have tried reassuring she deserves romance and it's just situational. 

I am more worried about the unresolved ex partner stuff rather than the romance stuff right now, but the more she says she doesn't want to hang out the more I am worried.

Thanks

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Former-Member ,

 Thanks for your post. 

I'd firstly like to acknowledge the immense effort you have made in communicating with your girlfriend. You have been so mindful of her needs and I can see why you have worries.

 Is her 'dead' state over an extended period of time (say weeks?) or is it just over a day or so? It sounds like she has a lot of trauma to deal with. Having separated from her ex, trying to fully let go and trust someone else takes time. Does she see a therapist who can work through some of these issues with her? I don't believe it is a reflection of your relationship, but more so that she got a lot of her past to work through. It is not something you can do 'for' her, but rather just be there for her. I would highly recommend a therapist if she doesn't have one already.

In other words, don't take her 'distance' as a rejection, but rather time to work through painful experiences.

 Continue to be there for her, encourage outside help, continue clear communication.

All the best my friend,

BPDSurvivor

[Former-Member]

thank you as always for your quick response and advice.

I believe the state she has been in has been around a week.

She sees a therapist, and this past trauma was mentioned to the therapist I believe, two days ago, from what my partner said anyway. We talked about it over video chat and she said talking with her therapist didn't help, and I am not qualified to help her with this trauma obviously.

Edit(I'm gonna rephrase this because this wasn't clear)

She often says during our chats that she feels better after talking to me(usually towards the end of the conversation I guess when she has had time to vent) I am happy to be there for her and be patient. We mostly talk over social media, and it's obvious when she is having a quiet day. but it's all quiet days lately, I don't want to push her to talk, but I don't know when us not seeing each other/her obsessing over her ex becomes a problem. I am careful mostly around how to talk to her, but how brutal do I need to be with maybe telling her to move on. This is new territory for me and I don't want to complicate her situation, but I care for her and I think she can take some criticism on a small scale, but I have not been very harsh with these things to her so far

[Former-Member]

The relationship has ended now, and not going to lie, it really hurts. It's been a couple of weeks. At the time she said "I just can't be in a relationship" and that her not feeling able to meet my friends and family, also not wanting to go into work was too much for her. She tried to reassure me it has nothing to do with me, but being from a string of unhealthy relationships it has been hard for me to believe it

I know it's selfish, but when she broke the news to me we were both sad, but it didn't seem to even register her being sad about no longer being with me. There has been some helpful advice on this forum, especially from @BPDSurvivor 

It rarely factored into my feelings, that she has BPD, but I will say I hope people are not discouraged about dating a BPD person. She's a beautiful person, and I have had a hard time dealing with it ending from a personal level.

Thanks to BPDfoundation and everyone

[BPDSurvivor]

Thank you @Former-Member  for your post.

Would you consider just being there for her as a friend? A message once in a while could go a long way. I really believe she needs time to find her feet and find herself before delving into a relationship/s that involves others. This was how I felt. I broke all ties in order to recover. I needed time to work on things myself. Now, having come out the other side, I'm able to slowly delve into new relationships. The time away from people has brought me to a realisation of my true inner self and my true strengths. It is this real person that I now want people to see.

I can see you are hurting. I agree with her that the break up is not because of you, but rather that she needs time away to find her true self.

Yes, don't let a BPD diagnosis stop you from making friends. My BPD has truely brought out the best in me.

BPDSurvivor