Lived Experience Forum

[HopefulWarrior]

Came across this post this morning on FB - author unknown - and it struck me so deeply that I thought others, in this space, might also relate.

For so long I've judged myself that I should be able to do live alone, battle addicition and mental health issues alone, that asking for help, leaning on others was a sign of weakness - believing that I should be able to fix it myself.  This post gave me a different perspective and as such reinforces how debilitating chronic loneliness can be and the benefit of forums such as these where people can connect. Human beings are wired for connection. Struggling in the absence of loving and supportive others, doesn;t make us "weak". It makes us human.

The thing is

the human brain is extremely evolved for connection and relationship -

you were never supposed to learn to be alone with pain and stress.

Needing emotional safety and support isn't a sign of something wrong with you - Its the sign of something deeply right with you.

Thats right..

Human beings are wired for connection. Struggling in the absence of loving and supportive others, doesn;t make us "weak". It makes us human.

[Former-Member]

Thanks for sharing that @HopefulWarrior 

I am from a family of suck it up on move on type of people and when they think I am not listening they refer to me as "the fragile one" when it comes to having to give me bad news they would go through my ex because they didn't want to have to deal my emotions. I have struggled with the feeling of being weak because I crave connection and love. 

Again thank for sharing this 💖

ps every time I see your name around the forum,  I am reminded of the movie "The way of the peaceful warrior"  my mind is just strange that way 😂

[HopefulWarrior]

@Former-Member so pleased it reasonated with you

im not familiar with the movie - will check it out 🙂

i can imagine that that family dynamic would be a hard environment to navigate. so many people are not comfortable with emotions they dont know how to handle so they distance which is so not heloful.

my journey so far has been me thinking i should be able to do this recoery thing by myself - alone - no help - cause my family don't deal with emotions well either - they don;t so much as sweep under carpet but just out a positive spin on it. i know they mean well, but it can be so invalidating.

there are certainly some gems of inspiration on FB/INSTA sometimes amongst all the other crap 🙂

[chibam]

One of the things that really saddens me is that so many people think that loneliness is trivial, that it's a sickness that "doesn't need" to be cured, and/or that "it doesn't matter if someone is lonely".

And when you follow that logic train, very soon you'll encounter a mindset where meaningful connection/companionship is just a "luxury"; and therefore is something that only the wealthy & the smart deserve. "Losers" deserve to be alone, so many seem to believe.

I wish more people could read your post and realize how essential meaningful connection is, and how horridly inhumane it is to expect people to suffer it's absence.

[HopefulWarrior]

So true @chibam 

It's not given the space it deserves or needs

So many ill effects come from loneliness, some obvious but alot are not

Wonder if it's because is a feeling that resides in the brain andsimilar to mental health disturbance people arentcomfortable talking about it /think it unimportant?

[chibam]

@HopefulWarriorI think there are several causes behind it.

Education is certainly one. These days we are raised to see ourselves as nothing more then organ sacks. And while there are a slew of chemicals required to keep all those essential organs ticking over day after day, meaningful companionship is not one of them. Therefore it's unnessesary for "life to go on", i.e. it's just a triviality.

Another cause is the desire for cultural integrity.

If someone can't meaningfull connect with the community around them, that means they are not of the same character as that community. They are foreign by nature (though not nessesarily by birth); a weed in the veggie garden. So to find them meaningful companionship is to sow more weeds in the veggie garden, and vey soon you may find your garden overrun and your once-robust vegie patch (community) will then be lost.

So the dominant community starves the alien of companionship in the hopes that they will simply die out, or otherwise renounce their alien leanings and adopt the customs and mindest of the mainstream.

These sort of tactics are only tollerable if companionship is deemed to be a "non-essential". If a community starved an outlier into non-existance or submission by depriving them of a "true essential", e.g. food, water, oxygen - then they would be hauled off to The Hague on human rights violation charges! But torturing an outlier into submission by denying them meaningful companionship? No real harm, no real foul. Life goes on.

Thank goodness for the powers that be that meaningful connection isn't actually important.

[Former-Member]

Thank you for sharing that @HopefulWarrior .

I relate to this, because one of my diagnoseses is AVPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder). I'm not sure if it's well known or rare, I personally haven't heard of it until recently.

Basically, in my case anyway, I crave attention, so I can feel okay and try to talk to as many people as I can, so asking how they are, whatever. Just craving attention and conversation really, even if it's blunt. Then I feel guilty and like I annoy people, and I won't want to interact with people or be seen for a while. Then the cycle repeats itself. For me it's hard and exhausting, and I hate myself for it. I've had so many people leave and reject me and tell me off about it, but i can't help it. Having that diagnosis has helped a bit and has given me some answers and reassurance however, I just wish others would understand and not make me feel guilty because it's a personality disorder, it's out of my control.

And obviously with the word avoidant, I avoid doing things, even if it may be for my own good, most of the time. It's difficult to explain. But it's a hard cycle, and not many people (to my knowledge anyway) seem to know and understand, so it's difficult. I don't mean to come across as clingy, overbearing, anything like that.